This post was inspired by this morning’s gratitude journal entry. I told myself that since today’s entry had greatly exceeded what I would consider a “usual length”, I might as well just put it down as a blog post.

And here it is- my longest gratitude journal entry since I started my gratitude journaling journey at the beginning of this year. And also one that is worth sharing in a blog format because I think it connects to my previous blog post.

“I’m grateful that I am feeling more at peace with myself now with where I am in life.

If I was going to die next month, is there anything I would do differently from now? What do I want to be remembered for after I die? These are some questions I’ve been asking.

I’ve been thinking about the impermanence of life a lot more lately, especially the thought of death, and that we are all going to die one day and we don’t know when that day will come. By reminding myself of death,  I think it propels me to live life in a different way from what I’m used to by default each time. I make small daily life decisions based on the awareness of this, and allow myself to bring this awareness to the forefront of my mind.

I spend more time cultivating things that matter the most to me – my family, my dreams, giving love, making memories. Maybe also reconnecting with long-lost friends that had formed a part of my life that I deeply treasure. And most importantly, my health and well-being because it allows me to do the above well and also, for as long of a period as I can.

Even though occasionally questions like “if we’re all going to die someday then why does anything matter?” do pop up, I think it’s all about perspective and what life means to you at the end of the day. 

Do you love life? Do you want to love life? If you do, you would want to make the most out of it, according to what means the most to you. And by “what means the most to you”, I mean what do you want to be remembered for- by others, but more importantly, by yourself. What makes you proud? What makes you look forward to your remaining days?

And I’m grateful, really grateful to increasingly feel less bothered by death but yet I think about it a lot more now. I kind of let the fear of death penetrate me instead of pushing it away which is something I unconsciously did in the past.

I used to fear death a lot but I started to ask myself WHY do I fear it so much? I guess it’s because I treasure life and yet I have always been doing things, making decisions, living life in a way where I assume death is far away. And that also means, I delay the things which are important, and focus on things that mattered less if my death was near. Instead, I make decisions out of fear a lot.. “Fear of losing out” , “fear of perceptions” , “fear of not winning”, “fear of not getting the best in life”, “fear of abandonment”, “fear of losing out to my peers” etc….. Even though I could “gain” many things in life as a result because I acted in a more competitive way, deep down I know it didn’t feel good living this way. I wasn’t happy even with those gains because I felt that I was in fact losing more love around me. 

You know, I don’t have a clear answer to what is the alternative to living life out of fear, but I started to see that perhaps one of the answers is to live life out of more love for myself and others instead.

Love is the opposite of fear.

I mentioned in my previous post that when I first started keeping a gratitude journal, I couldn’t write more than a 3-liner. I don’t belittle myself for that, instead I told myself that it’s natural because I just started.

But with all things, as we keep doing it, we naturally get more adept and more efficient. Our brain and body has a magical way of working beyond what we know. We go at different speeds but one thing for sure is we will progress forward with practice. 

I wrote this in my entry just the other day-

“I am grateful that I started going back to my daily routine recently. I feel more grounded, and generally my mood is more stabilized with a morning routine. As someone who gets overwhelmed and affected easily by stimuli, I find certainty in my routines. A while back I started a new role/ job and hence I had to give it up but I knew that sooner or later I would have to implement it back in my life haha. 

My routine: Walk > Make breakfast > Read > Journal > Create a doodle (this is the most recent one I added). Two years ago, it was just walking + making breakfast, but over time I noticed how much I had gradually expanded my morning routine. I added on at a pace which feels comfortable for me, so that the routine doesn’t overwhelm me. 

The main point I wanted to bring across is in the last two sentences of the entry- And that is, we can never see our full potential because our potential keeps expanding and there is never an end to it. Like you just can’t wait to see how much more life can surprise you and give back to you when you give to life. By giving to life, I mean living life as honestly as possible, giving more time to the things that matters most while trying your best to balance the inevitable pressures from the realities of life.

I’ve recently come to realise that living this way is how I want to live my life.

As you witness your own potential expanding everyday, you start to also perhaps realise that you can never see where the end destination of your potential is until the day you leave; it is beyond your own current imagination and the knowledge you own now. 

And what motivates me these days is the thought of my future self. Although I do not know what it is, that is also the interesting part. But I know it is something that inspires me. I am motivated by the thought of my future self and potential. 

You should also let yourself be inspired by the idea of your future self. 

On this note, I recall a recent conversation I had with a friend in a bar.

She told me we’re turning 30 soon and she’s scared. We’re one year apart.

And I told her, I don’t know why but I don’t seem to feel the same way, even though I used to be fearful of aging as well. But I told her that I can’t wait for 30, and my 40s and then 60s. She asked me, “why?” I did not have a very concrete answer back then because I hadn’t thought much about it and I was speaking from my heart.

Upon reflection, I think my answer to her question then was: “ With age, you gain more wisdom, experience and knowledge that help you understand yourself better, understand life better and hence potentially live better. And living better means living in a more honest way, and in a way that resonates with you. But if we choose to not live better I think that is when we start to dread and fear ageing.

And this fear of ageing is usually a manifestation of our fear for many other things in life too.

Living everyday with less fear and less thoughts of “what if”s and “what could’ve been”, I look back on my days less. A part of me can’t wait to be surprised by my future self, because I know that it will surprise me in a way that resonates with me somehow. This excitement surpasses the fear of ageing.”

One year ago, I would never have imagined myself in this space doing all of this stuff. Never. I would only laugh at the thought of me being a writer. I would tell myself that “being a writer is just impossible. I can’t write well.” Well, this is an example of fear. I was fearful that I can’t do it and I would fail.

But I was doing injustice to my future self by telling myself that. So don’t do injustice to your own potential and your future self. Set it free. Follow what your heart tells you when it comes to your dreams, and allow the path to unfold itself from there. It unfolds the moment you decide to not underestimate and do injustice to yourself by putting limits on yourself.

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In hindsight, I would probably title this blog post as “never underestimate yourself and the power of practice”. As cliche as it may sound, there’s a lot of truth to this. But on a later thought it would be more appropriate to title it as “what do I want to be remembered by?”

So, what do I want to be remembered by?

Maybe I want to be remembered as a unique friend. Maybe I want to be remembered as a creative and helpful soul in my career. Maybe I want to be remembered as someone who asserts less and seeks to understand more. Maybe I want to be remembered as someone who makes others feel inspired by embracing my weirdness, vulnerabilities and individuality. I want to be remembered for the love, warmth and fun that others feel from spending their precious time with me. I want to be remembered for being someone who made an important difference to the lives of those who are important in my life.

I have been working hard on a space to do more of what I want to be remembered by every day. In this way, I become less afraid of decaying and aging, and leaving the world soon.

Written By:

Jeannette Qhek
BSc in Psychology & Human Resources (Singapore Management University)
Voice of Chill By Nette