To be who you want to be, start by believing that you are.

I turned 28 this month. 

I wanted to dedicate a post to myself a week ago on my 28th birthday, but I procrastinated. There’s a lot that I have been wanting to share but I also felt that it was hard to consolidate everything into a blog post. I tried writing whatever comes to me at this point of my life, turning 28, and here it is! 

Turning 28 always seemed so far away for me. Yet. It was something that I looked forward to. It was an age I had in mind when people told me to picture myself as an adult. Strangely it was not 26,27,29 nor 30. For me, it was 28. 

I’ve lived for 28 years. I had been through what life has to offer for 28 years. And for that I am so grateful. 

HOW MUCH HAD CHANGED IN A YEAR

Turning 28 also feels different in a sense, as compared to other times when I turned a year older. I feel less of a “I need to accomplish certain things because I am at a certain age”. This was something that building my venture had taught me. Things take time to build and you can’t rush them. Similarly, you are moving on your own timeline, so don’t rush yourself.

In a way, you could say that I do feel less pressured as compared to the other times I turned a year older.

Generally, I feel less of a “I have to accomplish things” but really more of a “I get to accomplish things” these days. I am grateful that I get to do the things I am doing in life, as opposed to complaining about the things I have to do. I used to complain a lot. I do that less now.

For me, the biggest takeaway so far from building in public is the immense personal growth I’ve witnessed in myself. When you start building and documenting your journey in public, you learn to hold yourself accountable for your goals.

MY BIRTHDAY

I celebrated my birthday with my close ones this year. I always love love love my birthdays because I get to spend that extra quality time with my loved ones. Maybe not always, there was one year I remember I didn’t. And that was last year. 

When my birthday was approaching last year, I was so fearful of it. I didn’t want to celebrate. I did not want to step out of my house. My self- confidence and self-esteem was at an all time low due to a skin condition I had developed and didn’t have an answer to. I didn’t like who I was. I felt lost. I was in a pretty bad mental state and I certainly did not have any energy to gather with anyone or hold any celebrations. That was also the first time in my life where I felt my birthday was a total burden. I even told my friends that I didn’t want my birthday to be celebrated that year and I hope to have more space for myself. Nothing wrong with that but you know I felt like it was the first time in my life that I dreaded something I always looked forward to. Birthday was just one thing, but I lost motivations for many things I once enjoyed. 

I didn’t like the feeling of it, but it was something that I couldn’t help either.

And hence, I am extra thankful that things looked different this year.

This was extracted from my gratitude journal on 16 of March, on the day of my birthday itself:

“I am feeling quite a lot within me today. But, if there’s one thing I could be grateful for today, is to be surrounded by the people I love and people that matter the most. I am grateful for the people who are willing to take time out and spend it generously with me. I am reminded again that I am blessed with a supportive partner and family, and an online community that cares. Without them, I am nothing. And also, I am grateful for being able to feel the gratitude and joy I am feeling on my 28th birthday because I remember how different I felt during this time last year. It was a terrible time for me. There’s so much more I want to do in my life but I am also thankful for where I am right now.”

Yes, I am indeed very blessed to be where I am right now. 

And I take nothing for granted. 

Instead, I have started appreciating more thing in my life. Especially the small things that are often overlooked. Examples of “small things” I jot down in my gratitude journal since the start of this year:

“someone whom I can talk to about my stresses”
“a morning walk and see beautiful skies today”
“dinner with my family”
“being able to take my time”
“providing opinions to help a friend pick her wedding dress”

Small things, but I really think they are the things that matter most in my daily life.

“Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realise they were the big things.” —Robert Brault 

GRATITUDE JOURNAL

I’ve also learnt that life is just a combination of endless ups and downs. Down times wouldn’t last and the high times wouldn’t as well. What is keeping me sane these days is writing, and to be more specific- writing a gratitude journal!

My thoughts on gratitude and why I am so into it these days: 

Cultivating a grateful heart, a heart full of appreciation, as cliche as it sounds, is the key to cultivating more love in our lives. With a grateful heart, people feel more welcomed by our presence, we bring more positive energy to others life, we get reminded of the things we have instead of the things we don’t. All of these are important in forming quality bonds, better relationships and stronger connections. And hence, I have become a strong advocate for keeping a gratitude journal because it is something that takes so little time, but yields great impacts. The more I study about the benefits, the more I can’t resist myself to keep it up. There are tons of well-established research that documents the benefits of gratitude. I don’t intend to list them here, but the point is, intentionally practicing and cultivating gratitude can be life-changing.

My tips for writing a gratitude journal:

1. Just write whatever comes into your mind that you can be thankful for. Keep it super short (1-3 liners) 
2. Do it as the first thing when you wake up or the last thing before you go to bed. 
3. If we forget (which we inevitably will), make it up the next day.
4. Importantly, be consistent!

We want to make it easy for ourselves. Writing a one paragraph or an essay is ideal but if it deters us from being consistent, then I would say keep it short. By short, I mean a length that feels comfortable for you to fulfil everyday.

I have been doing it for a few months now and I do see changes within myself. Personally, I think that I am able to express myself better. I think with more clarity. I feel happier whenever I pen down an entry. I cultivate more self-awareness and so many other more. I express thanks that I don’t usually do. But most importantly, I cultivate a heart full of appreciation and that means I feel that I am able to see more good in the people and things around me. But what happens when you start writing down instead of just running it through in your head is, you will also then start to express and verbalise in real-life too.

For example, when I started writing about how grateful I am to have an inspiring friend, I’d take the next minute to message her to tell her how inspiring she is to me. Hence, I started giving genuine compliments to others more generously. If I see a good in someone, I am able to express and tell them with less resistance. If someone inspired me, I’d drop them a message and tell them the impact they had made. All of which forms the foundation of love and connections. 

Gratitude breaks down the barriers to loving more fully and generously. 

And like we all know, “Love is Happiness.”

MY BIRTHDAY GIFT

I also recently finished reading a book. It’s called “It’s all in your head” – By Russ 

It was given to me as one of my birthday gifts. It was my first time receiving a book as a birthday present. Ask anyone who knows me and nobody would tell you that I am a “book person”. I was never a book person honestly. As much as I don’t really like to label myself like that, but I learn more through audio and graphics. I tend to listen to podcasts and videos more than I read. I must say though, that might have slightly changed since I started writing more articles and researching more for the past year.

 And that’s beautiful too isn’t it?

Our identities are constantly changing based on what we choose to do!

WE ARE CONSTANTLY CHANGING

As humans we constantly find ourselves changing. One year ago, I would never call myself a researcher, writer or even a reader! But here I am now identifying more with these terms because of what life has offered me. But what life has to offer depends ultimately on what I decide to do. I am in control of it. And even thinking about it now feels empowering to me at this point. As shameless as it may sound, but I am inspired by myself. 

I now believe that we can just be whatever we want to be and speak our goals into existence. 

I finished the book within 2 days. Not because I am a fast reader but because 1) the book is easy to read 2) it speaks to me and was what resonated with me at this point in my life.

I think there is also a third reason. To some extent, I was able to read at a speed that is much faster than before. It was because of how much reading and writing I have been doing for the past year. I read and write nearly 80% of the time I am awake. So with all things, I believe that even though you may suck at it or you can’t see yourself doing it at first, nothing is really that impossible and it is to believe in the expandability of our capabilities and the power of concentrated practice. 

“What you concentrate on is what you see more of in your life.”- Robin S. Sharma

MY SELF-DOUBTS

I have also been observing other changes within myself. I feel that I am getting confident by the day since I started my venture last year. Even in my writing, in sharing my ideas, in speaking to the camera, recording myself etc. 

When I say getting confident by the day, I don’t mean it in a linear way. To give an example, there were times in my journey where I had to ask my partner if I should release an episode or a video 10 over times before I did. And each time I asked, I would get the same answer from him: “Yes, do it! It’s good!” but my self-doubt was so great to the extent that no amount of assurance from him would even help. And that was just how much I didn’t believe in myself. After all, I came from a place of brokenness, fear and insecurities. 

I’ve learned that if you don’t believe in yourself, you will always rely on external affirmation. But the ironic thing is also, no amount of external reassurance will ever fix the root of the problem. The only way is to gain internal self-belief.

I guess it is natural that when we start doing something new, we are in a sense more vulnerable. We feel more naked. Our brain is constantly scanning for signs that we are doing things “right”. And when we don’t receive the expected feedback or outcome that we are looking for, we can easily think that we messed up. 

We lose confidence. We become doubtful of ourlseves and we start to crave more affirmative external voices as a form of survival mechanism. We rely on other’s affirmation to feel enough.

As you may already know, I used to face a lot of self-doubt and insecurity. I still do. I mean all of us do to some extent. I think those who don’t may have spent time working on it to get to where they are. And it is true, overcoming self-doubts and insecurity takes work. It is constant work.

Just to name a few, my doubts often look like:

“Who am I to talk about health & wellness?” 
“Who am I to share on psychology insights?”
“Who am I to preach about personal development and self-growth?”
“LIKE WHO AM I?”

I would think to myself that:

“I am not successful yet”
“I don’t have the credentials yet”
“Why am I talking about all these when I don’t have any experience and accreditations right?”

But the things is, I started thinking about:

“If we don’t start, if we don’t try to become the person that we want to be, how will we then ever get there?”

It was very difficult for me initially to get past all these self-doubts and insecurities, because of the lack of experience and the credentials. But I guess as I learnt along the way, there is always something I can share regardless, at this point in life.

To get to where I want to be eventually, I just need to be the person I want to be. With this thought in mind, it helps me to get past the insecurities, get past the notion that I am not there yet, I am not good enough yet, I don’t have it yet.

The thing is, to have it, you have to do it now and start being the person you want to be at this present moment.

We all have a choice- Be confident or be doubtful? I think if I can only pick one, definitely the first one, even if it leads me to become more self-delusional, or cocky or whatever you call it. It’s my life. I would rather not live in doubt and insecurity everyday.

SUCCESS IS NOT SOMEWHERE IN THE FUTURE

I have learnt that success is not somewhere in the future.

We always tell ourselves that “One day I am going to be someone who is successful”, “One day I am going to be that health expert”,
“One day I am going to be that writer”.

Why not just tell ourselves that in this present moment, we can already be what we want?

To some extent, this is somewhat like a manifestation. Manifesting.

It is about being who you want to be at this present moment, and just believing that you already are. And you just keep improving and improving. One powerful perspective change is also: “Instead of telling ourselves that we gotta keep working on it until we get there, tell ourselves that we already are. And we are just improving along the way.”

There is no end to improvement. There is no end destination. There are no limits when it comes to improving ourselves. It is just a journey and how far you can go just depends on the length of your life and the effort you decide to put in each day. How much you show up each day towards the person you want to be. And more importantly, how much you believe in your ability to improve.

I hope this gives you encouragement and you can be whoever you want to be, and I mean it. Don’t be afraid to call yourself what you want to be. You need to start seeing that you are before others can see that you are. 

DON’T JUST TRUST THE PROCESS

One thing I’ve also learned is don’t just trust the process, but also love it. Ask yourself if what you are doing is what you love. If you don’t love the very thing you’re improving on, if you are not passionate about the journey you’re on, then is it worth spending the time and effort at all? 

It is a combination of loving the process and trusting the process when it comes to realizing your dreams. When you love the journey, the goals happen as a side effect.

BOOK REVIEW: “IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD” – RUSS

I wished I had found this book earlier. But nonetheless, it did serve as a great reminder and encouragement. It had inspired me to center this post around the importance of self-belief.

If I were to summarize the book in one sentence, I think it is a book that speaks about the power of self-belief; it encourages us to have more faith in ourselves; it is to have so much self-belief and faith that people might come to think that you’re delusional. And that’s the whole point: Learn to be self-delusional, in a healthy way.

As the title suggests: “It is all in our head”.

Here’s sharing a few of my favourite lines I can recall off-hand from the book:

1. “The popular opinion is people think that you have to see it to believe it… but it is actually the opposite, you have to believe it to see it.”
2. “Everything is unrealistic until it is not.”
3. “Doubt blooms like algae and insecurity will lock you in your own cage. You have the key.”
4. “Anything I want, I speak into existence. That’s how I am living. That’s how I am winning.” 

When we start to believe in ourselves so much that no voices can bring us down, that’s when magic starts to happen.

It is true in a way because we are often surrounded by so many voices. People tell us “it won’t work”, “it is unrealistic”, “don’t do this because my experience with it is….” and we are constantly consuming all these voices which don’t belong to us. Like it or not, it inevitably erodes our self-belief and self-confidence. 

We start to feel like “okay, maybe it won’t work,”, “okay, maybe I am not cut out for it”, “okay if he can’t do it, what makes me think I can?”

And if anything, we want these conclusions to be made on our own and not based on others opinions and evaluations of us. 

I started off this journey by saying that “we are our own context” and if there’s one opinion that matters the most, it is our own opinion and no one else’s. On this note, I think it is also about choosing the people that we surround ourselves with. Because it is hard to not get affected by such disempowering statements and phrases. We will start to internalize.

And what happens if we start internalizing these things? 

Our confidence diminishes, our insecurity grows. 

We cannot control others, but we can choose who we want to surround ourselves with. We want people that nourish our soul, encourage us, and bring positive energy into our lives. And make yourself that person in other’s lives too. It’s a two-way street!

KEEPING IT CONSISTENT

And if you think about it, what is one thing that will boost our chances of succeeding?

Apart from hard work, I would say that it is all about perspective and our unwavering self-belief. That self-belief to continue working at it. Consistently. Even when we feel like we are not getting anywhere. 

The best skill one can have is the skill of “keeping consistent”. But I find that this is one of the hardest skill as well because life is unpredictable. Our emotions are unpredictable sometimes. Workloads are unpredictable sometimes. Basically, we are always changing. And that means there are days when we don’t feel like doing it. There are days when my eyes are more tired than usual, I feel less energy as compared to other days. I honestly think that doing it on days when you don’t feel like it, showing up despite rough times is the best skill one can have. Knowing how to evaluate, when to pivot and change things up when necessary in a consistent manner is essential too. 

I call it a skill because it takes practice to know how to gauge the balance between pushing yourself to be consistent as much as possible yet not overworking yourself to the point you fall sick. And that requires awareness and being in touch with yourself. It is about pushing yourself to be consistent as much as possible but concurrently listening closely to your body. Pushing yourself and showing up consistently in a way where well-being is still prioritised. 

AN ENCOURAGING FRIEND. SHE’S A GEM.

On this note, I would like to specially thank one of my close friends and the meet up that we had late last year. She told me this “Jeannette you are already perfect. You have everything you need to succeed. And if there’s something you need more of is your self-belief.” 

This statement impacted me till today. She said it in such an empowering and assuring tone. At that moment, it was hard to even disagree or say anything against it because she was so sure. And I am so thankful. I wish to have her voice. I wish to impact more people the way she did towards me. It was one of the greatest gifts I’ve gotten last year. It was near the end of December, on Christmas Eve, and that night out with her was the night I felt alive again since my birthday in March last year. 

And the point of saying this is, can we just see how weak our minds are? How easily manipulated can we all be? The truth is others’ opinions do impact us and hence, I cannot emphasize enough that it is also about choosing who to surround ourselves with. 

TAKING FEEDBACK FROM PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN YOU AND WANT TO SEE YOU SUCCEED

That said, I recalled that she was also quick to point out some of the things I could do to improve on my journey. She gave me constructive feedback and valuable things to think about- things I could do to take my venture to greater heights. And those were given from a place of “no matter what I believe you can”. I never took someone’s feedback so seriously before. I think I internalized every word she told me because I had respect for her. I sensed her genuinity. I wished I had recorded our conversation down that night. The feedback she gave was a big reality check for me. It wasn’t the nicest thing to hear but guess what? They were the most helpful so far and most importantly they were at least 99% internalized because they came from a place of love and I knew from the bottom of my heart that she genuinely wanted to see me become better and succeed. She believed in my potential and she wanted the best for me.

She is one of the most genuine people I’ve come across. She was inspiring and there was so much I could learn from her- the way she expresses her belief in someone, how much it means to be receiving things like “I believe in you”, how much one can do to empower another person at their most vulnerable state. So don’t underestimate yourself and don’t underestimate the empowerment you can give to others as well.

We need more of such friends in our lives. 

SHOWING VULNERABILITIES: THE WAY TO GAIN CONFIDENCE

And also, being confident is not about shying away from your vulnerabilities or disregarding your weakness. It is also not about shying away from criticism. In fact, it is the opposite of all of those. We are all afraid to show our vulnerabilities. We are afraid to show that we are weak in some ways, even though all of us are. We are only humans.

One of the concepts mentioned in the book “It is all in your head” is also: 

“When you are honest with your vulnerability and you wear it like a proud badge, then you block others from weaponizing your vulnerabilities against you. If you are upfront about your failings, your fears, your weaknesses, it is much harder to have them used against you.”

So I have also learnt that facing our fears is part of the equation to gaining self-confidence. 

It is really acknowledging and being honest with ourselves to the point that nobody can use that to bring you down because you are so well-aware of it. Being honest about our vulnerabilities is the best way to become stronger! The irony, right? I guess that is one thing that I have been doing “right” for the past year. I have been really naked about my insecurities and my fears online. Haha sometimes, I think I over-broadcasted them. Some did ask me, “Don’t you feel scared sharing all of those? You are so brave.”

What they don’t realise is, that was also a means for me to become braver. I was not brave. I was not confident and hence I needed to do that. That was the only way to gain more real confidence. Each time I did that, each time I bare my fears, I get stronger. I get more confident. 

FOR MY FUTURE SELF

And hence 28 year old me wants to tell my future self to keep believing in herself, be confident, be more loving, and make decisions more boldly. Continue admitting her insecurities, mistakes and flaws but also don’t dwell too much into them. Because what we focus on grows! 

I think I have taken enough time to look into my flaws and insecurities for the past 1 year. I made at least 10 episodes talking about my short-comings and the things I had to work on. I see that it is a necessary step or rather stage that each of us have to go through to eventually display real confidence. Dig deep into those fears, recognize them and be honest about them so that others can’t use them against you. It is all part of understanding ourselves more and how our brain works by default. 

But after that, we got to move forward. We need to build on our strengths. Focus on our positives and then expand them. And we can only grow our strengths beautifully without letting our fears and insecurities hold us back. And that means, be so aware of our own insecurities, biases and mechanisms that we can navigate them effectively when they get in our way. 

Moving forward this year, I want to be more confident in the things I do. I believe that it is the time for me to enhance the positive qualities I have, and what I can offer to the world. When we focus on the positives, the positives start to expand too and that links me back to the power of gratitude. 

When we are thankful for what we have, the things we are thankful for will find us more 🙂

Thank you for reading up till here! I had fun writing this post and I hope you had fun reading too.

–
PS: I have started on graphic designing recently. I am still in the process of experimenting and finding a style that works for me. I try to use every opportunity I have to create digital art pieces- from sharing book quotes to doing up cover designs for my posts. I hope to find a style that is sustainable and one that I am comfortable sticking with. Experimentation and exploration takes time, but I am loving the process of it.

The cover of this blog post was designed from scratch. The drawing came from a feeling and a vibe. I didn’t think much about it but my goal was to put whatever I am feeling into colours, graphics and shapes. In a sense, I drew based on how I was feeling. In the process of putting down my feelings, and inspirations into a graphical format, I found joy. It was a joy similar to putting down my ideas into words, but somewhat different as well. It was another form of self-expression. I think there is joy that comes from also discovering new ways of expressing myself (apart from videos, audio and words), and from discovering new aspects of me and new possibilities for me. I always enjoy creating. I enjoy self-expression. I enjoy discovering and learning new ways to create and self-express.

If you found this blogpost valuable, I’d also appreciate it if you shared it with a friend. Thanks!

Written By:
Jeannette Qhek
BSc in Psychology & Human Resources (Singapore Management University)
Voice of Chill By Nette