Recently, I’ve been doing quite a bit of reading on the topic of “grief & loss”. I thought of consolidating the findings, together with a few thoughts on this topic, with the aim to further expand our depth and awareness on this universally experienced process.

"Grief is the last act of love we can give to those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there was great love."

What is grief?

Grief is a natural reaction to loss; it’s a universal, yet also a personal experience

We all have probably experience grief or felt it at some point in our lives- be it an ending of an important relationship, relocating to a new city, death of a loved one, transitioning into a new age group, job loss, or staying in isolation because of an illness etc.

Grief can come from a perceived or real loss in our lives. 

The experience of grieving is also a subjective one- everybody grieves differently. There’s no written-in-stone list of “valid” reasons or ways to grieve.

Multiple researchers have offered various models to better understand how a bereaved individual experiences and deals with grief. 

What are the 5 stages of grieving process?

The “five stages of grief model” (or the Kübler-Ross model) has been one of the most popularly known models that help one understand what they feel and put into context where they are in their own grieving process. 

According to Kübler-Ross, she outlined 5 stages of grieving: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance. 

Let’s take a closer look at each of these five stages:

Denial

The first stage is denial. The denial stage serves to  minimise the shock and overwhelmingness of a loss when we adjust to the new reality. In this stage, we are trying to process the reality of what is happening. There are often feelings of confusion and shock as we are trying to make sense of the loss situation. We can think of it as our body’s natural defence mechanism saying “there’s only so much I can handle at once”. Hence one may even avoid the pain or acceptance of the loss. 

Examples:

• “They’re just upset. This will be over tomorrow.”
• “This isn’t happening to me..’

Anger

In the anger stage, there are often feelings of bitterness, frustration and also aggression. This stage often manifest where one think to themselves “why me?” and “life isn’t fair”. There may be increased aggression and hostility towards others and we might also seek to blame others for our pain. Some researchers acknowledged that anger is a necessary and natural response in the grieving process. We can think of this as a step that binds us closer to reality. 

Examples:

• “I hate him! He’ll regret leaving me!”
• “If she cared for herself more, this wouldn’t have happened.”

Bargaining

In this stage, one may try to recall and think of all the things that they could’ve done or shouldn’t have done which may have the potential to reverse the outcome. Sometimes, this may also look like looking for ways to regain control. 

Examples:

• “If only I had spent more time with her, she would have stayed.”
• “If only I had called her that night, she wouldn’t be gone.” 

Depression 

Depression stage is a sign that we are starting to accept the reality. It often occurs when we realise that bargaining does not work in changing any outcome. In those moments, we may find ourselves feeling hopelessness and helplessness. We tend to avoid situation and we may also self-isolate instead of reaching out to others about what we are going through. Although this is a very natural stage of grief, dealing with depression after the loss of a loved one can be extremely isolating. Sometimes it can affect our memory during that phase of our lives as well. 

Examples:

Acceptance

Acceptance stage does not necessarily involve positive feelings like happiness or elatedness. It is a stage where we come to terms with reality, and also perhaps make sense of how the past fits into our present life. It can also indicate the beginning of moving on from the past. We can come up with new ways of thinking about the “loss” and start to actively seek ways to move forward.

Examples:

• “Ultimately, this was a healthy choice for me.”
• “I’ll be able to find a way forward from here and can start a new path.”

Important thing to note about the “5-stages”

While the 5-stages of grief model could be a helpful tool for us to better understand the grieving process, it is important to note that the grieving process looks different for everyone (depending on the interaction between factors such as how the event happened, severity of the event, nature of the loss, availability of social support, one’s developmental level etc.)

One experiencing grief may or may not go through each of these stages. They can experience each of them in various order and can move between each stages. For instance, some people may enter depression without experience denial or anger. Some people may find themselves stuck in the “denial” stage for a long time. There is also no specific duration or time period for any of these stages. 

Grieving symptoms can last for a few months or even years. 

Normal Grief vs. Complicated Grief

While normal grief symptoms gradually start to fade over time, those with “complicated grief” can experience painful emotions that does not get better with time.

Complicated grief is prolonged/ intensified grief that prevents a person from healing. This type of chronic grief can negatively impact one’s mental health, and it is commonly referred to as persistent complex bereavement disorder.

Signs and symptoms of complicated grief may include: Isolation, inability to follow normal routines, numbness, intense sorrow, pain and rumination over the loss of your loved one. People with complicated grief may also have thoughts of suicide, and feel like “life isn’t worth living without their loved one”. They can experience self-blaming tendencies with self-directing emotions like guilt or shame which can further complicate the grieving experience. 

Protective factors

Some people are also naturally more resilient, and have support systems in the form of family, religious or spiritual systems, and caring others that support them in navigating and coping with their loss or grief. The intensity and period of one’s grief symptoms may vary accordingly to the availability of such support system.

In fact, social support groups are often offered as one of the treatment options for grievers. While complicated grief can cause you to lose trust in others, it is important to stay connected to the people who care about you. This includes family members, friends, and your community. 

Different ways of grieving

Research identified 2 distinct ways people express their loss. These 2 ways differs in the expression, and adaptation to grief. 

Most people present a blend of these two styles:

• Intuitive Grieving Style: An intuitive grieving style involves an outward expression of one’s thoughts and feelings about one’s loss and grief.

  Intuitive grievers experience their loss events deeply and intensely, with particular attention paid to emotional content. This tends to take a toll on their energy level, leaving them emotionally and physically exhausted.

  Some characteristics associated with this style includes:

  • Feelings are experienced intensely
  • Overtly expressing emotions by crying easily 
  • Willingly sharing their thoughts and feelings with others
  • Physical exhaustion may occur occurs from intense expressions of feelings
• Instrumental Grieving Style: An instrumental grieving style involves a more cognitive than emotional approach to loss whereby emotional content are usually hidden.

  They are expected to be more problem-focused and use distraction as coping methods. This tends to take a toll on their capacity to think through situations due to the cognitive energy involved in processing of the loss.

  Some characteristics associated with this style includes:

  • Differentiation between thoughts and feelings, with thinking as the predominant experience to loss (feelings have less intensity)
  • General reluctance to discuss feelings, although they certainly do experience sadness, anxiety, and/or loneliness 
  • Planning of activities to gain mastery and control of environment
  • Confused, disorientation, or fuzzy thinking
  • Brief periods of cognitive dysfunction are possible due to the amount of energy invested in to analysing the loss

Gender differences? Females tend to, and are expected to display more of an intuitive grieving style (i.e., readily express their feelings) while males are expected to adopt an instrumental grieving style (i.e., reluctance to discuss feelings or putting up an emotionally stoic face). However, such observed differences are often a reflection of socially prescribed expectation of gender roles.

When people do not behave in gender expected ways of grieving, they are often perceived or judged negatively by others, which may add another layer of complexity, thereby complicating the grieving process.

When people do not behave in gender expected ways of grieving, they are often perceived or judged negatively by others which may complicate the grieving process. 

Important Takeaway

The important takeaway: Grief is personal. It can come in waves, and we may feel something different every time. 

How one grieves is influenced by the interaction of factors such as the nature of loss, the subjective interpretation of event, one’s developmental period, availability of social support, as well as gender related societal expectations.

There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to grieving. Understanding the distinct ways of grieving, stages of grief and considering the potential factors influencing grief experience and expression may be helpful in expanding our awareness on its nature, and thus increase our ability to better support someone going through a grieving period.

Written By:
Jeannette Qhek
BSc in Psychology & Human Resources (Singapore Management University)
Founder of Chill By Nette