Turned 29 three days ago, on March 16, 2023. 

I am thankful for the celebrations and love received on this day.

The past year has been a year of growth for me. It was the year I started expanding and gaining traction within the mental health space. I found a full-time job I truly enjoy. And as of last week, I also managed to secure my counselling placement hosts as part of my curriculum requirement for my Masters Programme, which has been stressing me out quite a bit since the start of this year. 

Everything in my life was going seemingly well. 

Yet in the first few moments turning 29, I was met with one of the scariest experiences of my life…

17TH MARCH MORNING

This morning was a near-death experience for me. I thought I was taking my last breath on this day. 

I woke up from bed, feeling cold sweat and muscle fatigue all over. I was shivering. I tried to get out of bed but I couldn’t. I told myself,  “thank god, today’s a work-from-home day.” I allowed myself to rest a few more minutes in bed before I forced myself to get up again.

This time, I reached for my phone and saw that it was 7:50 am.

I told myself I have to get up because there’s a work meeting at 9:00am and I needed to get ready. 

As I forced myself out of bed, I could feel my wobbly legs and shaking body. My head was spinning fast and I had to drag myself to move across the room. I felt like I was about to collapse. I used the shelves around me to support my movement to finally get outside of my room.

I managed to catch a glimpse of the clock in the dining hall. It was 8:00 am. I asked myself if I should go back and snooze a little while more.

The next memory I had was me lying flat on the floor beside the dining table with my arms spread out, palms facing up. As I regained part of my consciousness, I was aware that I had passed out. I began to feel even weaker and I even struggled to stand on my feet. There wasn’t also much memory and consciousness at this point.

No one was home. I recall that my parents went to JB the night before and my siblings are usually not home on a Friday morning.

After I slowly regained my consciousness, I finally managed to bring myself up and again, I looked at the clock- everything around seemed to be spinning even faster now. I felt nauseous and lightheaded. However, I could still see that it was about 8:15 am…” that means that I had probably passed out for 15 minutes”, I told myself.

I tried to walk, or rather limp, back into my bedroom but fell a few times because I was simply too frail. Eventually, I managed to bring myself onto my bed again. But the scariest thing happened..

TEMPORARY VISION LOSS

I was unable to see anything the moment I stepped into my room.

I experienced a complete loss of vision. I asked myself, “what is going to happen to me?” “Is this going to be a permanent thing?” “What should I do now?” “I need to reach out to someone, but where is my phone?” My anxiety levels were at an all time high and I could feel my heart racing really fast. I told myself that whenever I am in fear and in doubt I would need to breathe..

So within a few seconds I decided to keep calm, reach for my bed, sat down and close my eyes (as if it made any difference..) and started taking in deep breaths. It was only after 15 – 20 deep breaths that I eventually regained my vision. I also immediately felt some of my strength coming back with the gradual restoration of my vision. 

I remembered feeling so relieved. I also understood in that moment what it feels like to be literally helpless and powerless.

I got up from my bed, still feeling really light-headed and literally crawled back to the dining area to retrieve my phone that was somehow on the floor beneath the dining table. (It must have landed there when I collapsed earlier.)

I thought to myself, “I am safe… I can finally reach out to someone.”

It was around 8:40 am when I managed to seek out help, and I slowly felt better afterwards.

I thought that I was dying. I was so relief when I knew I was going to be alright and this wasn’t the end of my life (as dramatic as this sounded it was really scary at that point in time)

There’s so much that I still want to do and accomplish personally and professionally.

It was so scary to think that everything would just end the moment I turned 29. I thought my time was up. I immediately full-on bawled my eyes out for a good 10 minutes on the ground and promised myself to take care of myself more often and not do crazy stuff and be ridiculous like what my 14-year-old self would. I told myself that I’m not young anymore. Because I can’t afford to. I wiped my tears and then attended my 9 am morning meeting.

I’m so thankful to be alive. To be alright. To still be functioning. 

I think this is a warning sign or a reminder that despite chasing for my dreams, and holding so many responsibilities all at once (all of which I truly enjoy), I would really need to dedicate more time for rest and also to make sure I do not overly push my limits. The past week has been really crazy for me, I admit. I was juggling between my school assignments, ramping up my physical activity, full-time work and going for dinner celebrations on consecutive nights, which had probably messed up my circadian rhythms.

I was thankful that during my most vulnerable moment, I was able to reach out to somebody and I am thankful that he is there to see me through this.

Ironically, I am a wellbeing advocate here, and I have to say that there are times where I might have overlooked my own personal wellbeing and I hope to take this opportunity to reflect on how I can better manage the various responsibilities I hold, and prioritise my health. 

BIRTHDAY WISH

This year, I wish that I am able to keep creating meaningful content in this space. I wish that my loved ones are healthy and happy. I wish that I can be more aligned to the person I aspire to become. I hope that I will never give up when it comes to my dreams, no matter how tough life gets. I wish that I can find more things to be grateful for each day. And I wish to see more love and kindness from myself and others around me. Above all, I hope to be able to take it slow, and also, to rest more often. 

This incident reminded me of a recent book sharing I did a few weeks ago; on page 79 of the book “Discipline is Destiny”, it states that,

"yes our work is important, yes we hustle, yes our drive is how we become successful. Our love of the game is what got us here. But without the ability to rein this in, we will not last. We want to be fast and strong for a long time. To last, you have to understand how to rest. Not just rest but relax too, and have fun too. The most sure way to cut your career short, to make yourself more fragile, is to be undisciplined about rest and recovery."

(Video on book sharing here.)

I just thought that this is a timely reminder for me as I step into 29, and I hope this also served as a helpful note for you as well.

I am grateful to have this reminder on the first day stepping into 29. It was a costly reminder. Spent SGD 777.57 at the Accident and Emergency (A&E) Room for a check-up to ensure that it was nothing serious, and thankfully it wasn’t anything serious, and I really can’t be more thankful. 

I’m thankful for being here, at 29.

Happy 29th Birthday, Jeannette Qhek!

Written By:
Jeannette Qhek
BSc in Psychology & Human Resources (Singapore Management University)
Voice of Chill By Nette