The new year has arrived!

I hope you all had a great start to the new year.

When one year ends and when another ones begins, we tend to reflect back and look ahead.

So, I thought it would be nice to dedicate a self-reflection blog post to start off the year 2023.

I started this space almost 2 years back, and as the year begins, I reflected on my journey. I was describing this whole journey with a “cheesecake” analogy with my partner a few days back. I felt there was no other better way to describe this journey I’ve embarked on since 2021.

THE “LOST CHEESECAKE”

I told him that 2 years ago I imagined myself being this “plain cheesecake”. A cheese cake that felt really lost, naked, and incomplete, as a tiny part of it was being chipped off. It was “wounded” basically. Thus, it decided to withdraw itself from the the other cheesecakes.

This also marks the start of its “soul-searching journey”.

To others, it may seem like a courageous thing to do -one might think, “wow the cheesecake was so courageous to move out from its comfort zone!”

While that may be partly true, deep down, the cheesecake knows that it was far from being courageous. In fact, it went on the journey likely because it wasn’t courageous enough to stand among the rest with its new vulnerability. It was afraid and found it extremely hard to accept its own flaws, shortcomings and its new circumstances.

It was afraid of judgement; it didn’t have the mental energy to connect; there was low confidence and the cheesecake didn’t feel belonged. It desperately needed some space to heal. The “soul-searching journey” was thus probably also a form of disguise or excuse to retreat from the world.

Of course, a part of the cheesecake had always wanted to see beyond its immediate surroundings. The cheesecake had always dreamed of something larger than being just a plain cheesecake. It had always believed in the expandability of its potential and its ability to take on different flavours. Perhaps it also thought to itself, “this is an opportunity to venture!”

Which ever it is- an “opportunity to step out of comfort” or “excuse to retreat into comfort”, the point is, there were conflicting motivations and feelings, which had made it more challenging for the cheesecake that was dealing with its new vulnerability. 

THE JOURNEY

The cheesecake started exploring different cake shops, restaurants, hotels… to get a sensing of how it feels like to be in different kinds of environments.

During the process, the cheesecake felt really scared, vulnerable and anxious, and that is because everyday is an unknown. Every day, it was being challenged to fit into a new place and environment.. At some point the cheesecake didn’t know if this was adding more comfort or trauma to its healing process. It may be going at a pace which was too fast. Yet, given the momentum it had generated, the cheesecake soon became unstoppable.

While the cheesecake felt unsure if this was the right step for its own healing, it knows that this is probably the only way to find what resonates deeply among all the distractions and increasing variety of what is possible in the world.

The cheesecake was also aware that despite the uncertainties, it genuinely enjoys the process of opening up itself to multiple possibilities everyday.

Not long after, the cheesecake found its wound healing and that it was slowly recovering. As the cheesecake felt better, it decided to accelerate its exploration and decided to try out even more cafes and restaurants in a day. It soon found itself being constantly poured with different flavours of coating…chocolate coating..cameral coating..

TRANSFORMATION

At one point, something interesting happened. 

The different flavours of coating was pouring at a speed that exceeded what the cheesecake could integrate into its core essence.

The cheesecake was constantly bombarded with all sorts of toppings, but didn’t have time to absorb all the stimulation that was happening to it. 

And the result of that?

The cheesecake got richer and richer each day- to the point that it could barely see its original form anymore. So, it became a chocolate caramel cheese cake that tasted and looked very different from its original form.

Nobody, including the cheesecake itself, could recognise what it was anymore because of its vast transformation in a relatively short period of time.

CHOCOLATE CARAMEL CHEEECAKE

Chocolate caramel cheesecake started getting used to its new identity and gained new consumers that appreciated its new flavour. It subconciously attached itself to the new identity of a “chocolate caramel cheesecake” and was proud of the unique flavour it offers to new customers. It derived a sense of satisfaction and meaningfulness from that new identity. It felt good.

But deep down internally, it was also having a really hard time, wrestling hard as the coating gets heavier and heavier.. stickier and stickier. 

As the coating got thicker, the cheesecake moved further away from its core essence…Because it did not have time to absorb the heavy amount of coating all at once.

As a result, while the cheesecake was getting used to its new identity, the cheesecake also felt super lost… and at some point also felt very distant from its past-self. Although it knew that the chocolate coating was making it richer and richer in ways that it couldn’t imagine, it didn’t feel very fulfilled after a while. It felt tired, heavy and burned out at times.

It had lost connection with older consumers who liked  “plain cheese cake”, and that kinda upset and confused the cheesecake. The cheesecake never saw its old customers coming back anymore. It also grew apart from its plain cheesecake community, where it once felt belonged. It felt isolated and lonely.

The cheesecake often didn’t understand how to make peace with the fact that becoming a higher-value cheesecake means leaving its community behind. It didn’t understand why does the path of “becoming better” comes with such a cruel consequence.

The cheesecake would often contemplate if it outgrew relationships as a result of becoming better… or did it really become a “better” cheesecake?

Battling with such thoughts was really hard for little cheesecake.

At the same time, with its new unique flavour the cheesecake gained new customers that could resonate with its new identity. It found another community which resonated with its new appearance and form. But then, it also felt lonely because it was the only caramel chocolate cheesecake around.

I think this kinda summed up how it was like for me the past 2 years. It was complex and I hoped that using a cheesecake analogy as illustrated above could describe and capture some of these complexities faced along this journey.

At one point, I was constantly absorbing and learning everything I can around me. It felt kinda overwhelming- reading soul books, self-educating to find answers, taking on further studies and basically challenging and putting myself out there everyday. 

Along the way, I noticed that grew apart from some of my friends/ family, I abandoned things that I held on for a long time to make space for the new.

As part of leading a more fulfilling and purposeful life, I may have overlooked things that were important. Some of my core essence may have been covered up as I was trying to focus on creating a new identity, or rather strike a balance between various identities/roles that I created and hold (e.g. wellness advocate, content creator, counselling student, a friend etc.)

With the emergence of a new identity as a chocolate caramel cheesecake, it can feel heavy at times. Life got more complicated. I would sometimes find myself having a hard time looking back at my past-self, yet sometimes a part of me really miss my old-self, and would try to convince myself that “I am becoming a better version of myself and this is a natural part of the growth journey”.

Yet, as seen in the cheesecake story, it can be very lonely at times because being on a different path sometimes means moving away from your community and having less of similar others that could resonate with you. There wasn’t many chocolate caramel cheesecake around.

I stayed in this phase for a very long time- I am also aware that it’s a period of self-convincing. I convinced myself that this was the consequence I had to pay when I took on a different path. But something within just didn’t quite like the idea of that. 

I disliked the idea of how self-growth comes at the expense of growing apart from people. Even when it was my reality at some point, it felt a bit wrong, so to speak. 

RETURNING TO CORE

So, sometime around late last year, something interesting happened again- the chocolate caramel coating got so heavy that it cracked, and now the cheesecake finally could allow its essential core to the re-surface again… the thick chocolate coating became chocolate sprinkles on top of the cheesecake, and the caramel seeped into the cracks.

Immediately it felt a lot lighter.

The cheesecake finally saw who it essentially was again and got reminded that it did not lose itself. It freed itself from the burden of any form of identity.

It found itself finally being able to integrate the newness of all its experiences, only after some time.. and the heavy coating was just a temporary cover-up. 

The cheesecake got reminded of its core essence of pure joy.

It had learnt that there was no identity that it needed to attach itself to. It didn’t become a chocolate caramel cheesecake. It was still a plain cheesecake that could occasionally have chocolate sprinkles and caramel coating as and when it decides to 🙂 But the heavy coating process was probably what it needed to go through in order for it to exercise its options on a daily basis.

I think this was the biggest learning point for me in the year 2023, and where the journey was always leading me to ultimately.

I realised that we will always be who we are within, but as we grow and develop in our self-development journey, we increase our ability to take on more roles and identities.  

This doesn’t mean that we lose who we are in essence. We might lose ourselves temporarily, due to the constant absorption around us as we grow and take on multiple roles and identities. However, it is only natural as well because learnings take time to integrate into our core essence and the integration is when true growth occurs.

Taking on new roles and identities are an integral part of our lives. These roles and identities are essential to flexibly navigate different contexts and audiences, but that does not mean that one identity is truer than another. Or is there necessarily a so-called “identity”. We can choose to free ourselves from the burden of limiting our potential by boxing up ourselves.

Part of developing and growing is being able to transit and change between various contexts and not attached these various identities/labels to our core essence but being able to see each roles we take on as the chocolate sprinkles and caramel drips. They are add-ons, and not permanent, and at the end of the day we can always return to our true essence without identifying permanently with any roles. They are being called upon when there is a need to, in order to speak to a wider range of audiences/ context.

This is so that we don’t lose ourselves as we continue to challenge and expand ourselves to take on more in roles in our daily lives.

SUMMING UP THE JOURNEY SO FAR

I am not sure if this analogy made sense to you but I thought I was on a journey of becoming something larger but I guess ultimately, the goal of each journey has always been to go back to your core essential self with just added layers of newness, knowledge and wisdom. And the ability to connect with a wider and more diverse groups of people.

It is true that along the way we might lose some connections as well, but ultimately looking at the larger picture, it increases our ability to connect, and also expands our range of connection.

I am so glad that in the later part of last year, I reconnected with some of the most important people in my life. But I also build a community of wellness and connected with people who share similar interest and personal growth goals.

It reminded me to not lose track of what’s important as I continue to better myself. And the main and ultimate purpose of bettering yourself has always been to create more connection instead of separation in the community.

And if a situation requires you to connect authentically and genuinely with others, it requires you to repeatedly detach from your “role” and go back to your true essence as and when needed. Because that’s when you feel the purest joy and thus have the ability to provide the same to others.

The quality of relationships with our friends, family and the community should be used as an indicator to measure how far we have progressed on this personal growth journey.

We may feel like we have gained the world, or become a “better” person, but if the quality of relationship with our friends or family suffer as a result, there is definitely something that is not done optimally, or rather there are ways we can improve to strike a better balance between the various roles in our lives.

It can be very excruciating and challenging at times especially when we first learn first how to identify and navigate these different roles and wanting all roles to take its best form. But trust the journey and that at the end of the day, it shall bring us to a path of more love and meaningful connections.

FINAL WORDS

The past 2 years had largely been a self-focused and inward journey for myself. I guess this did not happen by chance and it’s meant to happen in this exact way for the lessons it had provided.

I’ve gained clarity about my life direction, my purpose and the person I want to be but yet, at the same time, along the journey I may have lost who I really was at my core during the search (the irony). But even then, I got reminded that I will eventually find myself again- when the accumulated temporary coating breaks.

The biggest lesson here: self-development journey is a constant journey of searching within (inwards) to better your relationship with others (outwards).

As within, so without.

Written By:
Jeannette Qhek
BSc in Psychology & Human Resources (Singapore Management University)
Voice of Chill By Nette