Show notes:

This episode is a natural continuation of the previous one as I share my thoughts on three other myths regarding “self-care” based on my real-life experience. 

It also completes the discussion around the responsibilities and tensions one might have to bear once leaving a corporate job unexpectedly. Through my personal sharing of the realities and opportunities faced, I hope it motivates greater internal reflection and broadens our perspective towards the term “self-care”. For more, chill in now!

“It’s okay to get lost every once in awhile. Sometimes getting lost is how we find ourselves” – Robert Tew

Full Transcript of Episode:

(Intro)

Last week, we talked about how self-care isn’t selfish. We also talked about how it’s essential sometimes to put ourselves first so we can be in a better position to take care of our loved ones. In today’s episode, I am going to address three other myths, or rather common beliefs about self-care—with the aim to help us better understand this concept and also to see this concept perhaps from a different perspective.

3 MYTHS ABOUT SELF-CARE

MYTH#1: 

One common belief is that we have to earn the right for self-care. We often hear people saying: “Wow good work! You deserve a break”. On the flip side we don’t hear that much of: ‘Hey seems like you’re not performing your best, so you deserve a break”. Well, at least I don’t hear that often from people around me. Hence, I’ve learnt to tell myself that: “When I am not feeling my best, I can take a break”, or “When I am tired from trying, I’ll take a break first and then continue”. It really doesn’t always have to be the case where we feel like we are doing enough first before we can take a pause in our lives. Because.. what’s enough right? Perhaps we see an achievement as an indicator for us to take a well-deserved break. Or when we have conquered certain major obstacle at work.

In the past, I find myself feeling slightly guilty for taking my annual leaves if I haven’t accomplish something significant, or when I haven’t feel like I am doing enough. I noticed that when I ask for my annual leaves, it’s usually after I have accomplished certain important tasks. 

When I used to work in a headhunting firm, it’s usually after I have closed a deal. I find myself more willing. Or rather, I find myself having more courage to speak up to ask for the break (haha). I mean it’s natural right? Because I think sometimes we are also limited by our circumstances when certain periods are naturally more busy and certain deals are more urgent. We can feel really hard to ask or give ourselves the break. And in that way, the pace at we take breaks are usually pretty much dictated by business needs in that sense. And I am still pondering, if there is a way to work around this because that’s what most of us face. Right?

But the truth is, I often feel that our body’s pace is not always aligned with the pace of the business, and that’s something that isn’t in our control. I am still thinking right now, and perhaps the only answer to that is.. maybe, it’s our own responsibility to pay attention to ourselves more often and be courageous enough to ask for breaks even when it’s not the best time to do so. And I guess it’s really part of our social construct and how we have conditioned our minds to think in a certain way. Subconsciously somewhere, we find that our lives are often culturally structured in a way where the first third of our lives revolves around education. The second is around working hard, and starting a family, to achieve that stability. Then the third part is then usually for leisure. It’s usually the retirement phase where we can finally take a break.

Personal Story- The Challenge in Asking for Breaks

In the last episode [EP 10: Self-Care Isn’t Selfish: Quitting My Job Only After A Month], I talked about how I asked for that time-off by quitting my full time job. I really did not wait until the time was right. I didn’t wait until I had earned the right to make the decision. In fact, I actually left at a very untimely period where things started to pile up for me. Reference checks were all done, and more responsibilities were handed to me as well etc. Sometimes, external circumstances may make it really hard for us to take a break and call for that time-out when we feel the need to.

The point of saying this is- I wanted to point out that communication is very important here as well. I think I’ve talked about communication a few times in my episodes. I really do feel that it is an important component because as we are carrying out all these boundary settings and asserting our needs, it can seem really irresponsible if we just decide to disappear without proper handover or proper communication. So again, as much as we are making difficult decisions, decisions for our well-being, I encourage us to take responsibility for it as well. If need to, ask for that understanding. And try our best to have the intention at heart to do it in a responsible manner and not just leave everything and disappear because.. what I am trying to say here is that the outcome can be the same, but how we carry out all these acts of self-care may be different. It is our responsibility and our choice if we want to do it in a responsible manner, because it defines who we are at the end of the day. 

On a side note, the powerful thing about this is also, I feel that when I understand this concept that people can need their breaks, I also started to be more understanding towards people around me. Because sometimes things are just not that apparent right? Others’ reasons may not be valid to me but they are valid to them. Be it my friends, my partner or anyone. If people tell me that they need a break, I have learnt to not question, or judge whether others’ reasoning is valid because it is valid to them. In a way, I think I am also starting to be a more understanding person, which I think, is a beautiful part of this journey as well. The fact that I am more understanding towards people around me and their own context. As I am showing more compassion for myself (compassion here meaning being kinder to myself), I am able to show that same compassion to others more as well. And I really see it as a beautiful thing. This is one of my biggest learnings throughout this journey so far. So again, just to reiterate my point here, I think we really do not need to feel like we can’t take it anymore, or we don’t have to feel that we have to produce something before we are entitled to a break. 

MYTH #2:

Common belief number 2 is “self-care is doing anything that makes you feel good.” This is one which I really feel the need to talk about. When we think of self-care, we often think of it as anything that makes us feel good. I know in the last episode, we talked about how self-care is anything that makes us feel more re-charged, and anything that we do or think that makes us feel good. 

However, I would like to address something here. That is.. sometimes self-care is also doing the things which might not make you feel good in the short run, but rather, it makes you feel more re-charged in the long run. When I talked about how self-care is something that can make us feel good and makes us feel re-charged, I think that’s in the context of “long-term”. In the short-term, it may not feel that good. And instead, we might feel really stressed and uncomfortable and very difficult. We might feel a lot of tension when we are making decisions out of self-care.

Personal Story- Aftermath of Quitting 9-5 Job

On this note, when I left my full time job, honestly it didn’t feel good. I felt that I was lost. I felt useless to some extent because I couldn’t provide for my loved ones and family. Somewhat, I didn’t know what I wanted to do as well because in that mental state, I already found it a struggle coping with my day-to-day demands as I didn’t have the extra capacity to think about what I wanted to do. Therefore, I felt lost and I was just thinking how was this an act of self-care because I talked about how asserting our boundaries sometimes to protect ourselves is a self-care activity.

I only came to a conclusion after a few months that it was a self-care activity. It was a self-care that I had to do to protect my mental wellness. It may feel extremely sucky to quit a job and be unemployed because let’s be real right.. like my financial income was affected. I believe in that fact that without a job, I still really wanted to be self-sufficient as much as possible. Definitely, my financial income was affected and my standard of living was affected. I had to deal with perceptions from everyone. Not like their opinions really mattered and influenced my ultimate decision. Yet, it’s a real thing that.. without a job or rather, a steady source of income, we have to deal with perceptions right? Well at least for me, that’s what I’ve been going through. More importantly, it was me not knowing where I exactly am headed to and not having a clear purpose at that point in time when I was out of my job. I didn’t know what I am supposed to do next.The point here is self-care may be really difficult to do and it can feel so so so uncomfortable to be honest. But in the longer run it makes you feel more energised and you have more energy levels for other more important/valuable things in your life that mattered more to you, then I would say that it is still an act of self-care.

I also really wanted to share how it feels after I left my job. This is really a personal experience and by no means I am encouraging anyone to quit their job. I am just speaking from my own personal experience and just really wanted to share how it felt for me that made me realised that it was in fact a self-care that I did for myself.

Initially, as I said, it felt really comfortable right. For the first few weeks, I had lost all my appetite for so many things. I was just really engrossed in what I wanted to do next. Sometimes, I could get so focused that I just skipped my meals. The feeling was just.. I was in states of tensions and all. It was uncomfortable for me to adjust because ultimately after being in a job for a few years and now suddenly not being a job, I just felt somewhat lost. I think it also goes back to how I talked about how.. for any changes to take place or to stabilised, there has to be a transition period. 

It did felt uncomfortable from the start. However, I would say that from the very start, I had this really right feeling. Like it felt right to leave somewhere I didn’t belong. Even from the moment I left, I felt that it was right. Yet, we can feel two things at once. We can feel that it’s a right thing but at the same time we can still feel very uncomfortable about it. So that was was kind of how I was feeling. Of course, the uncomfortableness decreases after a while when everything settles in and people around you are also more accepting of your situation. I think that definitely helps a bit as well (with the uncomfortableness). Over time, I felt that I had more energy to give to my family members and my loved ones around me. On the other hand, when I was in a self-destructive state, everyone needed to take care of me. They had to pour in their resources to make me feel better. But now instead, I feel like I have more emotional capacity and more energy capacity to take care of myself. Not just myself but also others around me. I’m more responsive to others needs. I don’t shy away from as much family gatherings and outings as I used to because sometimes I just have to protect my energy. I couldn’t do things that I wanted to do. Most importantly, I really feel that my relationships with others around me has improved tremendously. I think that’s not just from self-care that I did right, but also partly because throughout this period I had a lot more time to reflect on myself and to try and be the person I wanted to be, when I am given the space and time to really think about all these things. Partly, a lot is due to the internal work that I’ve been putting in for myself.

That is when I really feel more energised because I had more space and time to reflect and also start thinking about what I wanted to do with the 101% capacity that I had. Right? Because of this, I also took the leap of faith to pursue my further studies. I felt that all these wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t take the courage to make the difficult decision which didn’t make me feel good initially.

The Biggest Challenge of Quitting Without a Plan

The biggest challenge right now is to deal with the uncertainty that I have everyday as I am still searching for my answers. I don’t have all my answers at the moment. I am just sort of trying different things to see what is that really aligns with my values and also taking the time to find that greater purpose..which I think is important.

But definitely, I can say that I am in a better mental state. And I’ve also learnt that it is ok to be lost right? I think there is nothing wrong about being lost. I think most of us are just as lost. I’ve learnt to give myself the time to slowly explore what is it that really really connects to me. That’s my biggest challenge right now. It’s really the uncertainty that I have to deal with. But everyday, I am just reminding myself that it’s alright to be lost. What’s more important is to keep an open-mind to different opportunities out there and go for them and put myself out there to find my answers eventually. But of course, also taking care of my mental well-being at the same time. That is, be more careful and selective about how and where I spend my energy, and be weary about not having too much on my plate all at once.

As I said, it did took me awhile to transit to a more “liberated state”. As much as we want to have our answers right now at this instance, true answers and good answers wouldn’t come immediately. It takes time for us to explore and I am starting to come to terms with that. That is my biggest challenge right now- the uncertainty that I have to deal with. When they say “embrace the uncertainties”, I truly believe in that now. Last time, it only used to be a phrase to me. Now, I do feel that I am embracing uncertainties a lot more. Embracing uncertainties does not mean we just stay still and allow whatever that comes come. There are still conscious things that we can actively and do in our daily lives to help us get to our answers eventually. It is more of like taking our time, and seeing whatever comes to us as an opportunity for us to learn more about ourselves, which will open up new doors for us.

The point is that, I wanted to share that self-care is may not feel good in the shorter run. For instance we might have to let go of toxic relationships. We may have to cut out unhealthy indulgence in our lives. Quitting a toxic relationship may be so so difficult, right? Or even sometimes it may just be putting off a dental appointment. For me, I am just so scared of going for that dental appointment. Making that appointment and going down for that appointment, are things that I feel innately scary and challenging to do. But once I do them, I feel better about myself. Hence, self-care is sometimes making difficult decisions that you know is right for you, but the decision may not feel good to you at the instance you make it.

MYTH #3:  

Self care is not for everyone. This is another common belief- that self-care is not for everyone. For instance, people think that “it is only for women”, “only for people who have time and money”, or “it is a luxury (for the rich)”. Today, I am telling you that self-care is eligible for everyone. You don’t have to meet certain a criteria to sign up for self-care.

Only for women? Why do we get the idea that self-care is only for women?Sometimes, it may be because of what we see on marketing campaigns on social media etc However, healthy routines and nurturing activities are really gender neutral. We all have the rights, regardless our gender. We should be proud. We should take pride in self- care. That is what I do. Whenever I take a break and rest, I try to take pride in it.

Only for people who has time? Yes, I do agree that sometimes self-care activities do take up time. But remember how we said that self-care is also a way of life? Sometimes, it’s not that much about physical activities, but it is more about paying attention to your thoughts and your feelings and not beat yourself over something you have done wrong. Treat yourself like how you would treat a best friend (like I always say), or even a small kid, and just be kinder to yourself IS part of self-care. It doesn’t always have to be a 2-hour long massage or a 30-minute run. There are many ways in our daily lives that we can start caring for ourselves.  Even just a 1-minute of “breathing in and breathing out” is a self-care activity. Let’s not tell ourselves that it’s only something for people who has the time. That being said, I do encourage us to deliberately make time for self care. Take time out for that walk, for that massage and quality time with our loved ones. Whatever it is, I do encourage us to make time for it, instead of saying that we do not have time for it.

Only for people who can afford? Some people also feel that self-care is only for people who can afford it. Again, it depends on how we define self-care. If you are defining self-care as just an expensive activity, then yes, it is probably only for people who can afford because many things require money. For instance, yoga classes, gym memberships and even healthy meals require us to spend quite a bit. Even then, there are activities which do not require much. For instance, as I said, taking that walk, taking a rest. It does not have to be something that is very luxurious or it does not have to be out of reach. Even a 10-minute rest is a self-care.

LAST WORDS

To me, how I see it is: “Self-care is a way of life.” It is not just about engaging in activities that require us to spend a lot. Spending on wellness packages/ treatments is just one way for us to achieve that wellness. There are many other ways we can explore to improve our well-being. How we practice self-care and how we take care of ourselves is something that is very personal. I hope what I had shared today had allowed us to gain a deeper understanding on what is self-care and start thinking about ways we can shake up our own routines as well to create that self-care for ourselves. I believe that self-care when done right, with the right intentions, is the foundation to self- acceptance and self-love.

(Outro)

[But First, Let’s Chill] 
Chill By Nette: Health & Wellness Podcast 
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