Small talk may seem “superficial”, “boring” or even “invaluable”, but it’s a natural way for people to connect. However, at a closer look, research has shown that small talk has real value and purpose. It is important for our daily well-being. Meaningful relationships are sometimes built on small talks.

“Small talk” is defined as a polite conversation about unimportant matters and it is usually employed in social occasions.

As a person who suffers from social anxiety mentioned in my blog post [Another Milestone: Looking Into My Fear of Socialising], small talks are typically something that I would try to avoid at all cost. I probably also downplayed its value because it was something that I felt I wasn’t good at doing. I dread the anxiousness, uncertainties and uncomfortableness that is present in any small talk.

Studies have also shown that people avoid small talk with strangers because they believe that it could lead to undesirable experiences.

In the past, I  saw no value in engaging in small talks and also was not motivated to work on improving my small talk skills at all. However, more recently, as part of my attempt in working on overcoming my fear of socialising, I made conscious efforts to land myself in more social situations.

As a result, I also started doing some research on effective tips around small talk to help me engage better. I found a few interesting points to consider which had changed my entire perspective on small talks.

According to research, striking up a conversation with a cab driver, barista or even a distant co-worker can make us feel more positive and happier. Research reveals that small talk has powerful and positive impacts on our well-being. In a study, it was found that connecting with strangers can increase one’s happiness, whereas socially distancing ourselves can be unhealthy.

When people choose to remain distant, it is mostly because they simply do not see the value of distant social connections and also underestimate others’ interest in connecting. 

Whether we admit to it or not, we all fear the possibility of rejection. Maybe even more so for someone who is struggling with social anxiety issues. Even though we might be aware that forming a connection can increase our sense of overall well-being, we probably are still apprehensive towards starting a conversation, simply because we fear that people might not be interested in us or we might possess self-limiting beliefs around our capability to do so.

Or other times, we just don’t really see any value in small talk because of how it is often generalised as “meaningless” and “boring”.

“Man is by nature a social animal.” – Aristotle (Greek philosopher)

THE VALUE OF SMALL TALKS

Small talks are valuable and can help to boost our well-being based on several reasons:

#1: It signals who you are

Like it or not, I’ve learnt that small talk is an act of politeness. Disengaging in small talks, out of convenience or thinking that it is meaningless might signal to others that you are not interested in them. Well, you might be thinking so what? When we deny a small talk, have you thought about what you are signalling to others? 

The point here is to look deeper and see if that is really the signal you want to give out to others. Denying small talk may signal to others that you are not interested in them, or sometimes even come off as being rude. Ultimately, it is good to take responsibility for the information and impression we would like to give off to others. When you demonstrate the curiosity and desire to learn more about others, that itself can signal to the other party that they are being respected.

Research shows that it is important to show two main attributes in our first few interactions if we want to give off a positive impression: (1) respect and (2) trust.

#2: It is an opportunity for you to learn 

When we push away small talks, we are also pushing away potential sources of information and hence, opportunities to learn. Each of us brings important experiences and lessons based on our own life experiences. There is always something to learn from someone. Small talk is definitely a window of opportunity to learn.

#3: It is an opportunity for us to establish authentic connections

As someone who values authenticity in connection, I always viewed small talk as “meaningless” and “inauthentic”.

However, it recently crossed my mind that sometimes, big relationships are built on small talks. It forms the foundation for us to form deeper connections with others. For instance, small talks can help us establish commonalities with another person, and turn a solitary experience into a shared one.

It could be as simple as finding out that someone goes to the same school as you, or loves sunset as much as you do. Whatever the commonality is, and no matter how small a commonality may seem, it provides us with a sense of belonging.

This sense of belonging steers us away from loneliness. The sense of belonging also makes us feel safe to open up more and to potentially deepen the intimacy with someone, which then creates positive feelings within us. Small talk opens up doors for these shared commonalities which forms the foundation for deeper connection to take place. 

But then also, is it really just about you?

#4: It is a platform to be a source of support for another person

On the other hand, when we decide to take a bit of energy to engage in those seemingly “meaningless” and “boring“ small talks, we might unintentionally become someone’s safe space. Through our willingness to connect with another person, we may find that we can provide some source of support to someone in need.

People may need a listening ear for instance and might be waiting for someone available to pour out their sorrows to. You may potentially become a source of comfort and support for someone. The moment you engage in small talks, you are able to gauge the emotional temperature and needs of the person you are talking to. From there, you can choose to decide if there is something you can offer to them at that instance.

WHY ARE SMALL TALKS SO HARD?

When it comes to small talk, we may all display pluralistic ignorance. Pluralistic ignorance occurs when people think that they feel differently from their peers, even though they are behaving similarly. Simply put, part of the reason why we dread small talk is because we think everyone else hates it too (without any concrete evidence), not because we have any kind of negative experience with it. 

TIPS TO ENGAGE

#1: Be realistic about our expectations. We do not need to be the most sociable person in the room to engage in small talks. Also, if we haven’t been socially interacting much in the past few months, things may feel awkward at first but according to researchers, to get better at small talk, we just have to try it because the biggest hindrance is our own negative perception of the potential consequences. 

#2: Stop our own negative self-talk. Remind ourselves that people around are also waiting for you to start the conversation and they want to socialise as much as you do (assuming you do). If you approach small talk with the belief that people are not willing to engage, your behaviour towards the situation might turn out negative as well. If you believe that a conversation will be pointless, it probably will be. And hence, it is important to keep an open-mind and approach the situation with a positive mindset.

#3: Be genuine and demonstrate interest. Sometimes, all it takes is just a bit of interest on our part to start the conversation. Shift the focus from ourselves to others. We can transform our negative self-talk from “I never know what to say” to “What I can do is say hello and aim to learn from the other person.” If we show genuine interest, we will invite further discussion and interactions.

#4: Ask questions. Following up from the previous tip, we can demonstrate interest by asking meaningful questions. Research shows that people like to be asked questions about them. It is found that there is a positive correlation between question-asking and liking.

*All content here is for informational purposes and does not replace individual professional consultations for mental health questions and issues.

References:

• Coupland, J. (2003). Small talk: Social functions. Research on Language and Social Interaction, 36(1), 1–6. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327973RLSI3601_1
• Epley, N., & Schroeder, J. (2014). Mistakenly seeking solitude. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(5), 1980–1999. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0037323
• Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J., & Gino, F. (2017). It doesn’t hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3), 430–452. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000097
• https://www.businessinsider.com/harvard-psychologist-amy-cuddy-how-people-judge-you-2016-1?r=US&IR=T

Written By:
Jeannette Qhek
BSc in Psychology & Human Resources (Singapore Management University)
Founder of Chill By Nette