Anger is often labelled as a negative emotion because when we are not mindful, we allow it to take over us and hurt our loved ones with our actions. However, as we have learned in [EP 22: The Value of Anger], anger in itself is a neutral emotion and in fact, it teaches us some of the most vulnerable parts of the self, where our boundaries lie and what we value the most.  

In addition to what was being shared in the episode, the “R.A.I.N method” is a mindfulness technique I would like to introduce to help us approach the flames of our anger.

R A I N Method:

“R” – Recognise that a strong emotion is present

Often, we tend to suppress our difficult emotions like anger, and can end up sweeping the emotion under the carpet. Or other times, we end up reacting before we can even identify the emotion we are feeling. Usually when we feel angry, there are other vulnerable emotions that we are experiencing beneath the anger as well such as hurt, guilt, sorrow, shamefulness, betrayal etc.

It can be helpful to name the emotion (Eg.  “I am feeling shameful” or “I am feeling hurt.”)  To recognise is to consciously acknowledge, in a given moment that, the emotion is affecting us.  

This recognition of what we are feeling, opens up inner space and brings us into full contact with ourselves and the reality of what we are experiencing. 

“A”- Accept that the emotion is there

When we are faced with an unpleasant emotion, we sometimes react by numbing ourselves to our feelings or create negative narratives around it. In this step of acceptance, we accept that in this precise moment, we’re experiencing anger, or whatever unpleasant emotion it is. Note that in this step, we are not being passive and giving in to the unpleasant feelings, thoughts and sensations.

Instead, accepting it means “to let them be as it is” for a few moments. We acknowledge the presence of our self-judgement, and negative thoughts, as well as the unpleasant feelings underneath. Through acceptance, we can then investigate our inner experiences with curiosity in order to best decide to see how we want to approach the strong emotion felt and manage in a way that works for us and not against us.

“I” – Investigate inner experiences

Next, investigate our inner experiences. Our inner experiences include our physical sensations, feelings and also automatic thoughts arising from a certain emotion, based on our past conditioning. In this third step, observe what’s going on in our mind, heart, and body. This step involves asking a few questions with curiosity and non-judgement:

“What thoughts are running through my head?”
“What do I need right now?”
“Are there any actions I can take right now to support myself through these difficult times?”

The purpose of this step is to approach our experience with more mindfulness. This not only helps us feel better at the instance, but also buys us time before we react. With this process of investigation, we can also choose a more conscious response that helps us heal. Investigation may even resolve and dissolve the emotion completely at times. 

“N” – Non-identification with the passing emotion.

Emotion has the word motion in it. Emotions are always moving, fluxing, and changing. Anger comes and goes, but you don’t come and go — you’re always here. I would say it is somewhat like seeing your emotions as the clouds, and you are the sky. The clouds just keep changing, but you are always there.

This final step is to try distancing ourselves and create a space between us and our emotions. This gives a natural sense of freedom and ease, knowing that we are not our emotions, and they do not define us.

There is no intentional action required in this last step, but it in the long-term, it helps us to see the self more objectively and compassionately, with a loving sense of awareness.

Cultivating a mindful attitude using R.A.I.N in the long term can reduce the frequency, duration and level of anger we experience from our day to day. We can use this R.A.I.N. method when we are feeling stressed, overwhelmed or out of touch. It’s a powerful way of homecoming in a challenging time.

*All content here is for informational purposes and does not replace individual professional consultations for mental health questions and issues.

Written By:
Jeannette Qhek
BSc in Psychology & Human Resources (Singapore Management University)
Founder of Chill By Nette