END OF PODCAST SERIES 2: FINDING “THE SELF” AGAIN

This blog post documents a few thoughts accompanying the release of the last two episodes of Chill By Nette Podcast Series 2. It is interesting (to say the least) where this journey has taken me and how I’ve come to deepen the relationship with “the self” yet again.

If someone were to ask what’s my purpose a year ago, I would say something along the lines of…seeking a sense of uniqueness? differentness?

I observed myself constantly seeking separation from others through highlighting my differences in every way possible. Even the very act of starting out this wellness venture and writing posts could be seen as part of this motivation to seek differentiation, possibly fuelled by a subconscious underlying need to establish a sense of self-identity.

Fast forward a year later, I noticed a shift in my perspective. Now if I were ask myself the the same question, I would say that I am driven more by a motivation to deeply connect with the larger community I live in. In other words, to seek connection instead of separation.

On a closer look, both goals are not necessarily mutually exclusive. I see that the process of strengthening one’s self- identity through highlighting differences could be part of a larger goal of seeking greater connectedness or belongingness.

Ironically enough, I am starting to see that the core motivation behind seeking differentiation through content creation in the first place was also perhaps to identity with something larger than the self as opposed to strengthening the sense of it. Or it could be both. Maybe it is through strengthening of the sense of self that allows me to better identify with something larger than the self? To feel more belonged somewhere? Maybe a community? A group? Or maybe just another human being. I don’t know. 

In light of this, the subconscious need/ motivation might have been the same all along- to seek greater connection and a sense of belonging. It is just perhaps clearer to me now that most of our external behaviours, even those that appear to seek differentiation on the surface, are driven by a deep-seated need to belong which I was not aware of before.  

We all desire to be part of something.. to feel belonged.

THE CONCEPT OF “OTHERS”

Upon realising this, I have been asking myself, how do I come to more directly seek a greater sense of belonging through my actions then? How do I deepen my connection with others? Because that seems to matter most at the end of the day. 

Let’s first define the concept of “others”. What do I actually mean by the word “others”?

The concept of “others” extends beyond our friends, family, and loved ones. In fact, friends and family could arguably be classified under the construct of “self”. This is more true in more collectivistic (as opposed to individualistic) cultures, where relationships with other members of the group and the interconnectedness between people play a central role in each person’s identity. The content of “others” is therefore subjective to each individual depending on how one defines the boundaries of the self. 

But more generally speaking, the notion of “others” includes our closest ones around us, our comrades and also the larger community we live in, which may or may not be part of our immediate awareness. The person who constructed this place I am in right now, the team who invented this laptop that I am working on, the person who served me during lunch earlier, the Mexican barramundi taco that gave me energy to function and..actually just every living organism that exist within this dimension of planet earth.

In other words, we can define “others” as “you” and “I”, but we can also define “others” as the entire universe. It is a whole range when we think of something living beyond ourselves. It is all encompassing. 

Back to the question of how do we come to form a greater sense of belonging and connectedness with “others”?

Honestly, I’ve thought about this a lot and I still am thinking. For now, I think it boils down to “giving to others” and “receiving from others”.

GIVING & RECEIVING

“Giving to others” to gain a sense of belonging is a perspective that is fairly intuitive to most and not unheard of. When we give a part of ourselves to something outside of the self – it could be an institution such as a company, school, or a single entity like a loved one/ partner or even a stranger, we are dedicating our resources such as time, our energy or even our talents, and we naturally feel belonged to something larger.

Basically, an active contribution of value to something larger than the self makes us feel belonged to somewhere. 

But the act of “receiving” is also naturally part of the equation because as “others” are giving, someone has to be at the receiving end to reciprocate what is shared/given. In the process of receiving from someone, we are experiencing the presence of another being too. But more importantly, what I realised is also how one come to receive from others is key too.

We can only really come to even feel a sense of connectedness or belonging if we choose to receive with a sense of giving-ness. And this sense of giving-ness I am speaking of is basically gratitude. One could also see it as “giving thanks”. I come to see that gratitude is the basic unit and simplest form of giving. It is only in the presence of gratitude that we can feel connected and belonged to others.

But how does one receive with a sense of gratitude? The only way is to first learn how to give without an expectation. Because then whatever we receive from “others” is not seen as an entitlement but rather something that we can come to be grateful for. We can then receive with a complete sense of giving-ness. On the other end of receiving with giving-ness is probably receiving with a sense of entitlement or deservingness. 

Giving selflessly and receiving givingly is an effortful process by which the self deepens its connectedness with the collective universe.” – Jeannette Qhek

The entire universe is  in an exchange of energy and we are participants of the entire giving and receiving process by which the collective universe becomes more conscious. For more do check out [EP 33: Seeing Our Interconnectedness- How to be a Fairer Partner to the Universe?].

Everything that we give out from our being.. every love..every idea..every creation comes from something that we have received in some way around us. Just pause to think about it for a while. For example, creating content to share with others comes from learning and integrating ideas from what others had put out there.

My work is never just my work. It is a product of the exchange of energy in the universe made possible by “others” which allows the for the creativity and content to be produced through me.

I think this was the first ever insight gained that allowed me to see how each human being belongs to a larger force and we are all somewhat a little space or medium through which the entire universe operates – through which the exchange of energy takes place. 

The key to feeling “belonged” is thus to consciously practice the act of giving selflessly and receiving givingly in different aspects of life, for this deepens our connection with the collective universe. When we deepen our connection, we feel belonged. Cultivating a sense of belonging, or one could also call a sense of “oneness”, is hence an effortful active commitment of giving and receiving.

And the amazing realisation was also Chill By Nette is just a means or a vehicle for me to perform this commitment in a way that meets the larger mission of mine.

The concept of “others” is important because only in the presence of others we are able to share, our work can be received, our purpose can be fulfilled. Without others, whatever we do is nothing, and meaningless. Whatever we do is in vacuum. But more importantly, we are also able to create only in the presence of what we are absorbing from others around us- we are all so interconnected. We are able to do what we do because of others.

The other who created this platform where I am typing on right now allows me to disseminate ideas and inspirations. This is what I mean by we are all so interconnected.

We are basically “one”.

One universe.

WHAT IS “THE SELF” THEN?

So I recently come to understand “the self” again.

To understand what the self is, we will need to first understand the concept of ego. It is strange that we hear this word ego and we use it a lot. But do we really know what ego is? 

Ego, in psychological terms, means a sense of self-identity or self-importance.

Ego, in psychoanalytic theory, is that portion of the human personality which is experienced as the “self” or “I” and is in contact with the external world through conceptualisation. Through our external world, we learn our roles, we learn our job, we learn what are our values, personality, strengths and skills. Defining ourselves through such external forms is one way in which the ego maintains itself.

Is ego necessary? Absolutely. 

It is necessary for us to form a sense of self and a sense of identity. Ego is basically the way in which “the self” obtains an identity. A sense of self is important for obvious reasons. It gives us an idea of how we fit into our larger ecological system. It helps us navigate the world and make choices in life.

Whether a sense of self is healthy or unhealthy, well-developed or not is another thing altogether.

HOW DOES THE EGO OPERATE?

In fact, most of us know ourselves through our ego. We all know ourselves through what we conceptually label ourselves as- be it through our roles in society, jobs, values, religion, personality etc. And a self-concept derived from ego is thus constantly changing and malleable.

I am a female. I am a daughter… I am a person who likes to self- express, I am an introvert… based on my past, I am also someone who had faced struggles and the list goes on.

The point is, we are all good at creating a certain narrative for ourselves based on what we had learned through our contact with the external world. This storytelling skill, or ability to conceptualise, is an important skill that allows our ego to serve its primary function of establishing a sense of self/ a sense of self-importance in this world. From an evolutionary perspective, to be able to create a narrative, or rather a constructed self-identity that grounds us in this world is essential for our survival.

When we have an identity, we can then start to identify with others. Right?

For example, calling myself a Singaporean, is a way to identify myself nationally. Calling myself an introvert is a way to identity myself with the others who prefers quiet time.

So.. having a self-identity derived from ego can then be seen as a means to identify or relate to a larger group identity, and thus feel “belonged”. 

HEALTHY VS. UNHEALTHY “SENSE OF SELF” (EGO)

At healthy levels, the strengthening of self-identity connects us with others, because where there is self-identity, there can then be group identity, we connect with others through similar jobs, interest, values. Back to the introvert example. By identifying myself as an introvert, I can feel belonged to others who also identity themselves as an introvert. At healthy levels, our ego operates based on love and allows us the capacity to develop meaningful relationships and a sense of meaning.

At unhealthy levels, the process of strengthening the self drives us away other others. How? It can create more separation than unity when one is unable to tolerate the perceived differences between “the self” and “others”. The intolerance of differences often can make one feel that their sense of self is threatened and naturally in such cases, ego will come to act in ways to reinstate the sense of self. 

The ego is likely to further highlight differences through passing judgements or putting labels onto others, which could be seen as the by-product of our ego’s attempt to re-strengthen “the self”.

In the process of judgement-making (regardless of its nature), we often reference the object subjected to judgement to our sense of self and engage in a process of comparison. I realise that whenever I pass a negative judgement about another person, it is often the ego’s way of putting the self in a better light, to perhaps make the self feel “better” or more “superior” than others, basically to enhance the self’s image. This usually operates at a more subconscious level and I would say often unintentional and automatic as well. And having this awareness doesn’t necessarily stop me completely from passing judgements towards others (because we all do as humans) but at least I am able to catch myself in the act and pause for a moment to see what is my ego doing. 

It can sometimes be hard to detect the unhealthy ways in which our ego operates because of the false sense of positive feelings that comes with it. 

We feel “good” because in the attempt of seeking separation through passing judgements on others, our ego is strengthening the self-identity; but what we don’t realise is this is also the same mechanism that drives people away, bringing us further away from our desired belongingness. So at unhealthy levels, ego is driven to use judgement-making as a form of defence mechanism to “protect” or “save” the threatened sense of self. Ego operating this way is largely fear-based which more often than not leads to more separation instead of connectedness.

So…key point is to not lose sight on how our ego is operating. Essentially the human’s ego is wired in ways to maintain or strengthen our sense of self because all it cares about is “self-importance” or “self-identity”, but we have to be asking ourselves what is the larger purpose of that? In the process of strengthening our self-identity and self-importance are we seeking more separation or unity?

Therefore, I come to see that ego at healthy levels is essential to help us to better connect with “others” and reach our ultimate desired goal of feeling belonged. But on the unhealthy side, it further distances us from others and this is usually not easily recognised as a problem because of how the process of seeking separation often feels “good”, and can even be addictive sometimes.

It is inevitable that we fluctuate between healthy and unhealthy aspects of ego operation in us because that is how we built. 

So the next question is then how do we keep our ego in check? How do we come to formulate a healthier sense of self? It seems easier than than done right?

THE SELF BEYOND CONCEPTUALISATION: “THE BEING”

Maybe let’s first ask ourselves: How much do we think we identity with our constructed self-identity? Do we completely identity with it?

It is strange to ask this question right: How much do we identify with our self- identity? Because saying this is suggesting that there is another self beyond our constructed self-identity. Well, there is.

Self-identity is always just a constructed identity as mentioned, that is created by our ego. So what is “the self” beyond our ego or mental constructs?

I would say that is the inner self, or rather spiritual teachers would call it “a state of being-ness” or “consciousness” , which requires no identity or conceptualisation. And recognising this deeper self within that is beyond mental concepts is the key to keeping the ego in check.

So yes I am proposing that there is a larger self- a self that is beyond our self- conceptualisation or rather our constructed identity. I would also call this the “deeper I” and if this “deeper I” completely identifies with our constructed self-identity formulated by our ego, then we are likely to interact with our external environment in unhealthy ways often when our constructed self-identity is challenged. If our being is overly attached or identified to a particular external thing- be it a mental concept or a certain label that our ego clings onto…. we are going to be in serious trouble when that part of our constructed self-identity gets challenged or threatened. 

For example if I were to identity myself as a mindfulness advocate (external label), and if people were to condemn the idea of “mindfulness”, how would I react internally? Do I seek it as them attacking me, or are they just attacking the idea of “mindfulness”? Our answer to this question forms the very basis of how we come to form relationships and interact/ react to others.

So the argument is, having a sense of self-identity is crucial and forming attachments is only natural as humans… and in some ways they are essential for our survival. But not completely identifying with our sense of self-identity, which are the external things our ego attach to “the self”, is equally crucial. Ironically, this is so that we do not lose ourselves. 

One can then come to argue that there is “no self”. It is true. The self is only a constructed reality. There is no self-identity if there are no mental conceptualisations or attachment to any external thing. 

But the argument that there is a “true self” is also true. And this true self is basically just the state of being, or rather awareness, or presence which is free of the attached labels constructed by our ego. It is invisible and it is beyond concepts. It is beyond what words can describe. 

We are more than our thoughts/ mental labels

We are more than our emotions

We are more than our values, our personality and physical appearance and body. 

But what is this thing that is more than everything else? More than what words can describe?

It is our state of being. It is consciousness. Once we are able to sense this state of being in us, we will be able to understand that this state of being is in all of us humans, waiting to be discovered. 

And the more we come to sense this being, we can also start to realise that there is “no self”, but paradoxically there is also a “true self”- which is also the consciousness in us, and each of us is a form of consciousness. And the universe is made up of this same consciousness in every one of us. 

Every single consciousness we find in every being makes up the entire universe.

And hence, we are essentially the universe. 

There is no self, there is only the one universe or consciousness. 

Essentially, seeing the “being dimension” helps us to see that this dimension within us is also the same in others as well. It helps us to focus on the deeper sameness in another human being as opposed to the surface differences constructed by our ego, reducing the likelihood of falling trap into our subconscious ways of unhealthy ego operation. We start to cultivate more love and compassion for others and connect to others at a deeper level despite perceived differences, when we recognise that our core is more similar than different and that we are all connected through a same deeper source that makes up who we essentially are.

It was a little narrow of me back then when I found myself defining the self through a single episode [EP 14: Who is Jeannette Qhek?- The Self, The Purpose, The Identity] but I also saw that as a part of the process to arriving where I am now. It was really my ego crying and wanting to be seen. It was a way for the ego to maintain itself by creating a sense of conceptualised identity around “the self”. It desperately wants to be seen and wants to be given attention. And that was because the awareness of a deeper self wasn’t present. I was only able to know myself on the outer level which is a “formed self” established by my ego. I was not aware of a deeper self that exists within me, hence I could only seek to identity myself through my external world and events. 

I ended series 1 proclaiming that I have found the self again. And I clearly remembered that at that point in time, I was using one of my painful past to define WHO I AM, the lessons learnt from my past experiences and the thoughts I had following the experience. Nothing wrong with that. I was identifying myself with concepts and constructing a meaningful narrative or significance around my identity which was perhaps a form of healthy coping, one could argue.

And hence, I guess you could say that it is a beautiful coincidence that the last two episodes of series 2 had brought me back to knowing the self, but this time it is knowing beyond concepts. It is a deeper knowing of “the self” which is free of labels- A self that is not defined by my past.. neither is it defined by my values, personalities, thoughts and what the ego wants to say about it. It was a self that I found beyond series 1. It was a deeper dimension of the self. 

To find out more about this deeper dimension and how it impacts the way we navigate the world , check out [EP 34: Re-looking Into The Self (Part 1) – Finding Balance Between “Conceptualisation” & “What Is”] and [EP 35: Re-looking Into The Self (Part 2) – Enhancing Well-being Through Uncovering Our Deeper Dimension]

THE BIGGEST MILESTONE ON THIS JOURNEY

I found the self beyond the conceptualised self. In other words, I found the non-conceptualised self, which is also the deeper dimension of the self that underlies all the other things that constitutes as the self on the outer level – this can mean our appearances, our knowledge, our personality, our values etc.  It is pure awareness and aliveness that is felt within our inner being that connects us to the deeper dimension of the world. This self is the same in me as it is the same in you. It is the being-ness that is found in everyone.

Some of us are more aware of it than others, some sense it more strongly than others but it is in all of us. Coming to recognise this underlying self beyond concepts frees the self. This internal shift which is coming in touch with a deeper dimension and seeing that we are more than our labels and we are essentially one whole collective consciousness also makes a shift to my purpose externally.

And how deeply we come to know ourselves is a direct measure of how motivated and willing we are able to perform the process of “giving” and “receiving” mentioned earlier. Because only when we truly know ourselves at this deeper dimension, we are then motivated to seek a greater sense of connectedness with other human beings and the greater source of all our beings- recognised as the larger universe. 

The “I” a year ago would say that its purpose is to seek differences and self-express with the aim to be unique and different. The “I”, now would say that its purpose is to seek connectedness and just “be” like everyone else, upon realising that it is the way to deepen our relationship with the universe and other life forms assuming the consciousness of the universe. As we essentially are the same. It is crazy how the perspectives are completely opposite from each other and yet they are complementary as well.

I think the way I see it now is “self-expression with the aim to be unique and different” is a means to an end, not an end in itself.. it is a means to something greater and that is to connect with the “deeper I” and the universe around me, so as to be able to give more love to the universe around me. It’s crazily beautiful. 

I just felt that there is no better time to end Series 2 “Cultivating Mindfulness”. To some extent, I felt that this was meant to be and I was placed here, I created this series just to witness this important realisation, which was only a recent thing for me.

Written By:
Jeannette Qhek
BSc in Psychology & Human Resources (Singapore Management University)
Voice of Chill By Nette