Boundary setting is essential in all of our relationships- from work to romantic ones. We all need boundaries as they help to keep us safe and focus on what is most important to us. 

In this article, let’s explore boundary-setting in relationships- types of boundaries, why it is important,  and the common fears associated with it. 

First of all, what are boundaries? 

Boundaries are about our own limits, and what we are willing to tolerate or engage in. The American Psychological Association defines boundaries as the psychological demarcations that protect the integrity of an individual or group, or help someone (or a group) set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity.

We need to be proactive about setting boundaries in order to ensure that our needs are not compromised.

3 Types of boundaries

Research has documented 3 types of communication styles: passive, aggressive and assertive boundaries [1]. These communication styles directly relates to the type of boundaries one engages in:

1. Passive boundaries

A person with passive boundaries will feel like they are being controlled by others. Their needs are hardly met as they put their desires aside so as to fulfil the wishes of others. Interactions with others can feel intolerable as they begin to feel violated by others.

2. Aggressive boundaries

A person with aggressive boundaries can make others feel intimidated or controlled. They tend to communicate in a way that tells others they don’t matter or their feelings don’t matter. At times, it could even lead to isolation for the aggressor, which is likely not the outcome that they want.

3. Assertive boundaries

A person with assertive boundaries finds a middle way between aggression and passivity. This means advocating for personal boundaries while being fair to the other person in the relationship. As you’ve probably already guessed, what we want are assertive boundaries. 

Potential fears in setting healthy boundaries

Setting boundaries assertively can be really scary especially if you have grown up in an environment where you have learned that others will punish you for having healthy boundaries, and the concept that you can say “no” never entered your mind.

1. Being disliked

Perhaps the most common fear that comes from boundary setting would be the fear of being disliked by others. If you’re a people-pleaser, then the idea that someone could be angry at you for saying no or setting a boundary can feel unbearable.

2. Losing a relationship

Sometimes, one may also fear losing the relationship, but more often than not it’s all in our heads. There is nothing in the environment that would suggest this person would leave us if we set a boundary. 

3. Feeling guilty

People may feel bad or guilty when they set a boundary. If you are a people-pleaser, there could be an idea that you should always sacrifice your needs for the service of others. Thus setting boundaries initially can make you feel like you have done a “wrong” thing. Until you get used to setting boundaries and advocating for yourself, you will feel some form of guilt. 

What kinds of healthy boundaries should you establish in your life?

Setting boundaries can be beneficial in a variety of areas of our lives, including work, romantic relationships, friendships, and other situations. Boundaries, contrary to what most people think, helps to bring people closer, and improve relationships. Yet, it can be hard to figure out what boundaries you need to set.

There are several types of healthy boundaries that can be established in one’s life, including:

Physical boundaries – Physical boundaries are limits that you set on physical touch and personal space. They tell others how close they can get to you and how much privacy you need.

Examples physical boundaries include:

“Could you give me a little more space?”

“You are standing too close to me.”

Emotional boundaries – Emotional boundaries limit how much emotional energy you give to others and how much you allow others to affect your emotions. They can include things like setting limits on how much personal information you share with others, or deciding how to handle difficult emotions in a healthy way.

Examples of emotional boundaries include:

“I will only share my feelings with you if you are able to respond respectfully to me.”

“I feel shameful when you criticise me in front of others. Could you please not do that the next time?”

Mental boundaries – Mental boundaries are limits that you set on how much time and energy you give to thinking about others and their problems.

Examples of mental boundaries include:

“As much as I would like to help you, doing this might take up too much of my headspace and mental capacity at the moment.”

“This conversation is getting a little too long and mentally draining, could we continue to discuss this at another time?”

Time boundaries – Time boundaries are limits that you set on how much time you give to others and how much time you reserve for yourself.

Examples of time boundaries include:

“I usually reserve my weekends for my family. Can I work on this tomorrow morning?”

“I would love to attend your event, but I would be overcommitting myself.”

Financial boundaries – Financial boundaries are limits that you set on how much money or financial assistance you give to others.

Examples of financial boundaries include:

” Thanks for the lunch invite. I am on a budget, so I will be packing my own lunch instead.”

“It would be challenging for me to participate in this activity as it is a little too costly for my current budget.”

Spiritual boundaries – Spiritual boundaries are limits that you set on how much influence others have on your spiritual beliefs and practices. Establishing spiritual boundaries can help you to maintain a healthy balance between being open to the spiritual beliefs and practices of others and being true to your own beliefs and practices. 

Examples of spiritual boundaries:

“I will excuse myself from this spiritual practice as they do not align with my personal beliefs.”

“I will place limits on how much influence others have over my spiritual beliefs and practices.”

What are a few practical rules to follow in establishing those boundaries?

If you are not sure where to start when it comes to boundary setting, here are a few practical rules to follow when establishing boundaries:

Boundaries are not a secret – You have to tell people what your boundaries are even if it seems obvious to you. When setting boundaries, it is important to be clear and specific about what the boundary is and why it is important to you. When it comes to the communication of boundaries, be assertive without apology or hesitation. Use “I” statements, such as “I need” or “I want” to express your needs. 

Be consistent – Be consistent in enforcing your boundaries, whether it be with one specific person or in different situations. It’s vital that when you establish a boundary that you’re consistent about it. If you send mixed messages, you’ll only obtain poor results. Additionally, if you establish a boundary and you don’t reinforce it, people won’t take you seriously, which makes it harder to maintain the boundary. 

Be open to negotiation and feedback – While it is important to stick to your boundaries, it is also important to be open to compromise and negotiation. Remember that you want to be assertive but not too aggressive. Being open to feedback and being willing to adjust your boundaries if necessary will help you to avoid being too aggressive when it comes to boundary setting.

Practice –  Even if you’re scared and shaky voiced when you do it, it still works, and it will get easier with time. You’ll realize you weren’t powerless after all, and your direct communication skills will carry over into other areas of your life. Consider seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist if you are having difficulty maintaining your boundaries.

Have healthy motives – As mentioned, there might be guilt that may arise from setting boundaries. One way to reduce guilt is by having healthy motives. When the motive behind the “no” or the boundary is reasonable, then it’s easier to establish with less or perhaps no guilt. If we set boundaries in ways that are petty or not aligned with our values, that’s when guilt is more likely to arise. When you have healthy reasons for why you’re setting the boundary, then you can feel justified in your responses.

Respect others boundaries – Respect the boundaries of others as you would want them to respect yours.

By following these practical rules, you can establish healthy boundaries that will help you to take care of your own needs and maintain healthy relationships with others.

These resentments arise because one or both parties aren’t getting their needs met in healthy ways. Resentment will ultimately reduce the quality of your relationships and in some instances will destroy them over time. If you care about your relationships, establishing boundaries is one of the ways that can help you effectively show up in your relationships and environments.

*All content here is for informational purposes and does not replace individual professional consultations for mental health questions and issues.

References:

[1] https://boisestate.pressbooks.pub/makingconflictsuckless/chapter/the-passive-assertive-aggressive-continuum/

Written By:
Jeannette Qhek
BSc in Psychology & Human Resources (Singapore Management University)
Founder of Chill By Nette