SELF-CARE IS ALSO ABOUT FACING YOUR FEARS

As much as self-care is often known as doing re-charging activities that make us feel good- from enjoying a facial mask to soaking ourselves in bubble baths, it is also about addressing our fears and internal demons. It requires courage and a certain level of self-awareness for such confrontations. This healing journey of mine so far has been nothing short of these confrontations.

I’ve learnt that self-care is sometimes stepping out of our comfort zone to do what’s uncomfortable in the present moment but necessary in making peace with ourselves in the long-term. Self-care is being fully aware of the things that truly matter to us, and overcoming unhelpful self-limiting beliefs and past-conditionings to achieve them.

In the previous blog post, I bared one of my biggest insecurities – the fear of socialising. As a follow-up post on the outcome of the event, I would like to share below my further thoughts and reflections.

UNCOMFORTABLENESS

As expected, it feels so uncomfortable (really) to step into an unfamiliar territory and introduce myself to multiple personalities in a given setting. The uncomfortableness largely stems from the non-stop self-defeating chatter in my head. I can’t escape from those negative self-talk and thoughts. They exist throughout and even after the event. I could feel my heart racing, my face reddening below my facial mask, and I really wanted to escape in some instances. 

Through working with my therapist, there were coping techniques I prepared beforehand to help me cope with these physiological stresses and uncontrollable unhelpful thoughts- which comes hand in hand during an “anxiety moment” and I have found it to be extremely useful.

Secondly, the uncomfortableness also stems from a high fear of uncertainty. Anxious people who worry excessively, are more likely to be intolerant of uncertainty. To give an example, the uncertainty towards the number of conversations I would need to strike scares me. I elaborated on the potential underlying reasons behind my fears in the previous blog post.

That said, I did not regret (at all) going for that social networking event which I would have otherwise turned down in the past out of convenience due to my social anxiety issues, accompanied by intolerance of uncertainty. In fact, I was so relieved that I did, to the point I felt like it was an act of self-care that I did for myself as the experience had brought me a certain degree of relief. Of course, it’s a little complicated to talk about this state of relief that I had experienced.

This relief was first felt right after I left the social event. But at that point of time, this relief came from the thinking that” “oh my god it’s finally over. I did it!” 

As a person who experiences anxiety, my states of emotions changes frequently – sometimes they change faster than how the weather changes. But then not long after, during the same night, the anxiety kicks back in again. I typically don’t stay very long in such states of relief.

After the event I spent almost the entire night analysing and thinking, “how did I do at that event?”, “could I have made more conversations?” , “did people feel comfortable around me?” 

According to my knowledge, this might be what is known as “post-event rumination”, which is indeed commonly experienced among people with social anxiety disorders. It is defined as a state where a person is stuck thinking over and over about an event that occurred. Personally, I feel that this is the most torturous part.

I had endless uncontrollable thoughts about how I could have and should have made a certain conversation better (i.e what should I have said and what I shouldn’t have said). To the point that it was so exhausting for me because these thoughts naturally lead to self-limiting conclusions like “I am just not good enough” which lowers my self-worth and self-esteem. I would say cultivating an awareness helps me to cope with these thoughts more effectively. It reduces the impact these thoughts have on my emotional well-being. 

However, even though the impact of the thoughts can be reduced with greater awareness, we cannot do away with the entire presence completely. At least, I can’t. They still exist even after my efforts in using every “anxiety tool-kit” that is available to me. The best I could do is try not to internalise these thoughts and learn not to assign too much value to them. Of course, this is easier said than done.

My point is: It sure feels difficult. So god damn uncomfortable and I would find myself wondering how is this even an act of self-care? Why did I have to put myself through the immense uncomfortableness? 

But now, almost a week has passed. I can tell you that there is a more steady state of relief that I am experiencing now. The negative thoughts and emotions that I had after the event faded away eventually. I still find myself engaging in a few unhelpful thoughts about the interactions I had during the event, but the frequency is much lower now, as time passes. 

And now, what’s left is the fact that I had experienced the entire full spectrum of “what could have been” if I didn’t go. What’s left within me is an additional set of memories that would stick with me for life, with a mix of both pleasant and unpleasant moments. Even the unpleasant moments weren’t absolutely unpleasant, there was still value in most of those moments as well.

The truth is if I could choose again, I would still choose to go. No doubt, there were things I wished I could change after a certain amount of rumination. There are things I may have not done perfectly well, and not everything went up to my expectations, but I see it as one step towards overcoming my fear – which is socialising in unfamiliar situations. 

What I did was I allowed myself to bathe in that fear and experience the entire event as it is. I think what I’ve achieved is another set of confidence to soak myself in those uncomfortable feelings. I do ask myself why is it important for me to soak myself in this situation? 

The reason is simple. It is because of what I value. I value connecting with others. I value making geniune connections with people. Because being connected with people matters a lot to me. I think because it gives me a sense of belonging in this world. As social creatures, we need belongingness and connectedness to thrive. No matter how I used to convince myself that they don’t matter at times as a form of  defense mechanism to make myself feel better about my inadequacies and fear which are all part of my past-conditioning. 

The truth is, they do matter to a large extent. And being in those uncomfortable situations means moving a step towards this goal of making quality connections that I care deeply about. 

Well, maybe in the process of seeking that one quality connection, I have to put myself through a few inauthentic ones, and that’s the painful part. Yet, like I said, nothing is 100% bad or painful… Part of posessing maturity is being able to see value in even the “worst” cases and to also consider alternative viewpoints apart from your own beliefs.

SMALL TALKS

I’ve learnt that “small talks” are not small, like how I used to believe they are. Yes, some may argue that they are small in terms of making an impact on your life because they are seemingly inconsequential. The formal definition of “small talk” itself suggests that it is a “talk about unimportant matters”. Now, that is assuming none of them ever develop into bigger opportunities or deeper connections, which is unlikely the case. 

Just the act of showing up for a small talk does open up opportunities for deeper connection. It does not always result in greater opportunities, but it opens up the possibility for opportunities. Opportunities to connect deeper, to learn more, to add-value to someone else’s life through your presence.

For someone struggling with anxiety, I am coming to see that even the uncomfortableness experienced in small talks may also be valuable in itself. For instance, I believe that each uncomfortableness felt during an initiation of a conversation or perhaps trying to sustain a conversation, teaches me how to navigate better in social situations. It is a sign of growth no matter how I see it.

BE AWARE AND FOCUS MORE ON THE POSITIVE

Therefore, there are important lessons for me to take away from this episode of mine and one of them being – “none of the worst case scenarios and negative situations I paint out  in my head out of fear actually happened, or was even close to happening.” At least for this case, it hadn’t.

Our human brains are wired in a way where we tend to think about the negative experiences or interactions more than the positive ones and this is known as ‘negativity bias’. We are also prone to look out for potential threats instead of opportunities.

Knowing of our human predilection for negativity can be part of our ticket to consciously injecting more positive thinking and interactions. Despite our natural tendencies to focus on the unpleasant side of things, we can consciously remind ourselves to focus more on the good sides and train our brain to tell ourselves that good things can happen too. 

It is important to recognise that we do not have the capability to foresee all the possibilities as well. Ultimately, it’s important to keep an open-mind because you simply just don’t know, no matter how much you think you may know.

So again, I am reminding myself to face my insecurities and embrace the uncomfortableness, especially if doing so brings me a step closer to what really matters at the end of the day. I may not get to where I want to be yet by taking the first step out, but it probably brings me a step closer than I think. Because as mentioned, how we think is often clouded with human biases that overlook the positives. We tend to make conclusions based on negative data more than positive ones.

The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself.

– Mark Caine.

The first step towards change is often the hardest and scariest. But if something matters to you, embrace your fears and go for it. Embrace the uncomfortableness, as it might be an act of self-care you are doing for yourself in the long-term perspective. 

Coming to terms with our fears, which means looking into specific thoughts/ emotions (with the goal of rationally disputing unhelpful ones), to better align with what matters despite the uncomfortableness, can be the most rewarding forms of self-care and self-love one can ever give to themselves.

Written By:
Jeannette Qhek
BSc in Psychology & Human Resources (Singapore Management University)
Voice of Chill By Nette