It was a difficult topic this week.

From being someone who is often caught up in states of anxiety to someone who now talks about happiness and even came to define my own- I think I’ve came a pretty long way and I’m proud of myself for having done so.

A Little More About Me (And My Insecurities) – Being “Highly Sensitive” 

I’ve decided to step out of my comfort zone to speak up for those who have been struggling with their own insecurities, whatever that may be. For me, one of my biggest insecurities has always been “being overly sensitive”, as it can bring a lot of inconvenience to my everyday life. I am easily triggered emotionally by all kinds of stimulations around me (lights, people, strong scents). In the past, it was something I tried to change about myself. I would get feelings of shame and certain degree of abnormality whenever I am called out for being  “too emotional”. This can sometimes occur in various forms:

• “You are over-thinking things”
• “You are so sensitive/emotional…”
• “You need to chill out. Relax!”
• “Why are you so worked up?”
• “It’s just small issue, you’ll get over it.”

It can feel as if a part of me is denied at the instance when I receive any of the above remarks, even when I know they often don’t carry any ill-intentions most of the time.

Over time, even though I have not change much internally (I am still the person I am), I think I have successfully built up a pretty strong defense mechanism which had enabled me to navigate my emotions and others’ perceptions of me. Perhaps, I’ve also learnt to behave in a more socially acceptable manner, or rather, in a manner where I reduce the possibilities of having those statements directed at me.

(Note: Defense mechanisms are psychological strategies that are unconsciously used to protect a person from anxiety arising from unacceptable thoughts or feelings. There are a few types of defense mechanisms and they are integral to one’s psychological development.)

Upon being more conscious about my tendencies, I have identified myself engaging in “Sublimation” , a defense mechanism in which socially unacceptable impulses are transformed into socially acceptable actions or behaviour. It can manifest as instances where I appear as the most “easy-going” and “worry-free” person around. I think a part of my inner self wants to be perceived as an accommodating person, so as to avoid being labeled as “too sensitive” or “too emotional”.

These interpretations and conclusions formed are by no means any professional diagnosis. They are purely my own self- work, based on an amalgamation of in-depth observations of self-patterns and what I’ve understand from my psychology studies/research so far.

I do think that not all defense mechanisms are unhealthy and perhaps some are also essential for our survival. To some extent, we all possess some form of defense mechanisms to help us cope with our day-to-day challenges and uncontrollable impulses. That being said, “Sublimation” is classified as one of the healthier types of defense mechanisms to employ. I also think the point here is about being more aware of the usage of these inner mechanisms that we subconsciously engage in, so that we can have a fuller picture of “the self”, rather than trying to drastically change anything. Increasing our self- awareness allows us to accept ourselves for who we are and it puts us in a position to engage more effectively in our daily conversations and encounters with our loved ones.

It was not until late last year that I discovered that “Highly Sensitive” is a real trait and there is an actual term for people who possess this trait. They are known to be a “Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)”. It is a term used to described those who has a deeper central nervous system and they absorb and process more information than average. Being a HSP myself, I have decided to step out of my own comfort to share how does it feel like to be one. I wanted to be transparent and truthful about the raw and insecure parts about myself so that I can accurately bring you through some of the challenges from the perspective of one. This is because knowing this term made me realised that I’m not alone and it is a trait that many others struggle with as well (sometimes without an awareness). Learning about HSP was somewhat comforting to me. Therefore,  through this week’s episode [EP 8: Let’s Talk About Happiness – 3 Lessons Learnt From Within] and this blog post, I hope to spread greater awareness so that more people can receive the comfort I felt upon first learning about it. Hence, if you identity yourself as one at the end of this blog post, do know that you’re not alone. On the brighter side, you may have just found yourself a new unique trait within you, like I did.

When I came to know that I’m a HSP…

1. Knowing this term did not make me display any less symptoms of a HSP. It did not make my symptoms any less intense or different. In fact, I felt that there was little I could do about it because to some extent it’s not something within my control.

2. Knowing this term however did bring about a greater awareness of “the self”. As HSPs, our biggest struggle is dealing with a nervous system that seems to be in overdrive by default. Everything triggers us. We feel overwhelmed easily on a daily basis and it can be very exhausting for us to be around crowded areas, or places with strong scent or even bright lights. This often makes us feel drained, emotional and hypersensitive— Being a HSP can be very exhausting and difficult due to the disruptions faced in our daily lives:

• • On this note, I clearly remember that I used to feel a slight sense of discomfort whenever I walk into a “Sephora” outlet, and I couldn’t explain why either in the past. The moment I set foot into “Sephora” I find myself having the urge to leave as soon as possible because of the strong lighting and scent of the place. Of course, in the past I wasn’t aware that I was displaying symptoms of a HSP. I just knew deep down that it was a place I dreaded going because of how I felt about the environment.
  • Another example would be my over-stimulated hearing. This means that at some instances I would find normal day-to-day noises louder than what it should be and sometimes even slightly uncomfortable/ painful to hear. Within the last three months, I’ve went for two hearing check-ups to get my hearing tested as I thought there were some issues with my hearing. Yet, in both instances, the hearing test results did not indicate any cause for concern. The best explanation I could give myself was this “highly sensitive” trait of mine. Basically, constant exposure to crowded areas with high noise levels might trigger hearing sensitivity for HSP. I do feel that when I am exposed to constant loud noises, my hearing can become over-stimulated for an extended period before it becomes normal again. Apparently, being in high states of stress can over-stimulate my hearing as well.

3. Knowing this term had changed the way I looked at my self. Instead of seeing that there’s something “wrong” with my brain, I came to see that there’s something “unique” with my brain. Instead of labelling myself as being “too sensitive”, I came see myself as “highly empathetic”. It had taught me positive traits about myself that I once thought were negative. To some extent,  I’ve also tried to hide this part of myself since my school days.

• • I recalled that as part of growing up, I would used to study and observe people around me. I would analyse how people react to situations and learn from people who respond to situations in a very calm and composed manner, or rather in a “care-free” way. To some extent, I envied those people and they were also the profiles I looked up to because of their ability  to appear as if nothing can ever trigger their senses. Being a HSP,  it was something I have always found innately challenging to do and tremendous energy was often required to perform in the opposite direction of my natural tendencies. Back then, I thought that appearing “non-stimulated” was the way to be deemed as “socially acceptable”. Since I naturally absorb a lot of information and signs around me, it was also easy for me to imitate others because of the emotional and sensory capacity I possess. This was also the dangerous part because this means I might have a higher tendency to lose my sense of self more easily as compared to others.
  • As a result, I think I’ve learnt to put up a defense mechanism over time to downplay this “sensitive” part of me to appear more socially acceptable in various settings. I would say that I have cultivated this mechanism pretty well as part of navigating the world around me even though it had took me quite a bit of energy given my natural characteristics.  Yet, no one really knows what’s going within me (including myself). Looking back, the times I would get hurt the most are the times when people tell me to shut away my emotions or tell me that I’m displaying too much, and it’s inappropriate for me to do so (this applies to all settings). Whenever I am denied of my emotions, it reinforces that highly sensitive part of me and I would grow to get even more insecure about that part of myself.

4. Knowing this term had served to explain some of the things I was once confused about. So many things:

• • The fact that I never liked to watch/ read intense news. Maybe that is because I would not be able to deal well with the intense over-whelming emotions I get when I chance upon a negative news or event. I never liked thriller or horror movies either.
  • The fact that I never liked attending parties/ camps etc. Basically, the presence of large social groups threaten me due to the high sensory overload I would experience from having too much information to absorb. More often than not, I find the sensory overload too overwhelming for me and I would need days to recpuerate myself. I was once a camp facilitator during my university days and I remember that I did not particularly enjoy it. I think part of the reason why I wanted to go for such camps was so that I could put myself out of my comfort zone. But now, I came to see it as probably an act which had further reinforced that defense mechanism I’ve built within the “self” (Again, this mechanism isn’t a bad thing, it’s essential for my survival). However, I now also see it from another perspective and that is- it may be an act which pulls me further away from the core self. You could say that I didn’t have enough knowledge about the self back then to choose the things which are more aligned to the self’s desire. Yet, every experience was a learning experience for me to understand myself better. Every experience faced also shaped me into the person I am today. As the saying goes “you never try, you never know”. Hence, self-awareness and self- understanding form the foundation of self-alignment. Without awareness, we can’t align. I’ve learnt that self-awareness and self-understanding often come from our experiences in life and hence, it’s worth putting ourselves through new adventures and difficult situations to explore more about ourselves. It’s usually in the challenging situations that we get to discover and reflect more about ourselves.
  • The fact that I always faced difficulties when it comes to setting boundaries. For example, I would struggle so much with trusting that people will not be disappointed and hurt by my choices. (i.e if I have to cancel an outing plan last minute because I am not feeling it) As a HSP, I rarely cancel plans because I would often feel guilty and would find myself constantly thinking how others would feel. One tip here for HSPs: Think of it from the other perspective, if someone cancelled on you would you banish them from your friendship? I hope not.Thinking from another perspective helps me to view situations more objectively rather than using my own emotions as a benchmark.
  • The fact that doing too many things or being around too many people at once makes me so overwhelmed. (I would usually feel like I am absorbing too much information around me. Basically, it’s just all kinds of sensory overload.)
  • My Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). According to research, HSPs tend to experience unpleasant emotions more strongly than others. This probably means they can be more prone to stress, anxiety or depression.

Manging life as an HSP…

Now that I am aware of this trait of mine which had served to explain quite a number of my tendencies, feelings and behaviour, I am also actively finding ways to cope with the challenges that comes with it. This is how I choose to cope:

1. Rest Rest Rest. It goes back to being at rest more often and not having too much on my plate. I know that I can be alone as long as I need to without feeling guilty. This part is often challenging because as a HSP, I find myself over-thinking a lot about everything and giving my mind a good break is hard to do. Being at rest brings me peace and happiness because it gives me a break away from all the stimulations. I probably also take longer to recuperate from a long day out.
2. Being in nature more often helps as well.
3. I would learn all I can about this concept to just see how normal I am. And through learning more about this concept, I also came to know that I’m not an odd duck and I am not alone in this journey. This gives me greater courage to accept myself for who I am. It also validates my experience. It gives me confidence to speak about my insecurities and also my needs. It’s so liberating and even as I am typing this post right now, I am also assuring myself that it isn’t a bad trait. In fact, I am convinced now that it may even be a gift 🙂
4. Embracing the parts of me which I felt insecure about. There is nothing wrong with being too sensitive, and sometimes I find myself being able to verbalise and describe my feelings to great detail and length as compared to others. And also in ways that others may not be able to. I think that’s a gift in itself.
5. Communicating what I need to the people around me. I’ve learnt that if we don’t convey our feelings to other people, they’ll carry on as normal around us and we might even come to internalise their actions and be quick to form our own associations (given the nature of HSPs). On the flip side, when we do communicate how we are feeling and what we need, people we love can give us more space, and support us in our requests.

My Own Happiness Starts From: Understanding & Accepting the Self

There’s a profound sense of comfort and happiness in the process of understanding this aspect of myself. I also see that happiness starts from first understanding and embracing who we are, and coming to terms with our deepest fears and insecurities. It is the feeling I get when I am at peace with my shortcomings and imperfections, and embracing what I can’t control. It is about being comfortable in my own skin and my insecurities (including this extra sensitive trait of myself.) It also doesn’t mean feeling happy all the time because as HSPs we feel unpleasant emotions probably more strongly than the average person due to our overly engaged nervous system. In another words, I do relate to the phrase “the highest of the highs, and lowest of the lows”, as I can feel the extreme ends most of the time given a deeper emotional capacity. Hence, knowing more about myself and accepting me for who I am had taught me to also fully embrace the times when I’m down and see that as part of being the person I am- someone who naturally feels a a lot. I have made a promise to myself that I choose to not downplay that anymore, but rather I choose to embrace that with full capacity and start learning healthy mechanisms to cope with the challenging parts of it. At the same time, I will keep reinforcing and remind myself of the amazing parts too!

If you are curious to know more about the lessons I’ve learnt regarding “happiness” and how it “feels” like for a HSP, feel free to check out: [EP 8: Let’s Talk about Happiness: 3 Lessons Learnt from Within]. Through sharing some of my first hand experiences, I hope to speak up for more people going through the same challenges internally no matter how big or small they are. The challenges we face are real and they affect us from within.

I see this as yet another milestone of my self- discovery journey, because as I am recording this episode I was forced to look hard into myself and verbalise all that was within me. I feel naked and scared to be honest. Even before launching the episode, I was thinking twice or even thrice if I am ready for this. It felt as if I have let the whole world into me in this short 27-minute episode. Yet, it’s a milestone because I have yet discovered more of myself in the process.

“Defining our own happiness starts from self-awareness and self-understanding.” – Jeannette Qhek

Happiness Looks Different for Everyone: Tips on Defining Your Own

I believe that there is no one universal key to happiness. Happiness feels differently for everyone. The definition of happiness also changes throughout different stages of our lives (depending on what is our immediate goals and the circumstances we are in)

A few additional elements to think about when defining our own happiness/success:

1. Finding from within

• Happiness/ success looks different for everyone. When it comes to defining your own- it’s usually looking at a good mixture of what is meaningful and what you find pleasure in. And again, that comes from really looking from within- (i.e what excites you/inspires you/makes you feel alive) It goes back to paying attention to how you are feeling when you are doing something and extract signals from there.
• Maybe at this point in life, having a set of clear achievable goals and expectations would make you feel more alive, or it may perhaps also be not doing too much and giving yourself that break you had always needed to feel alive. It really varies from day-to-day.
• Additional tip here is also to think about what you enjoyed doing as a kid- when you were given the freedom to choose how to spend your time, before adulting expectations were placed on you.

2. Set realistic goals and expectations

“There is joy in work. There is no happiness except in the realization that we have accomplished something.” – Henry Ford

• Reflect on our accomplishments. Celebrate every small achievements, every progress, and every breakthroughs. Reflection is so important because you can be doing so much but still not be feeling happy if we don’t realise just how much we have and how much we have accomplished till date. Focus on what we have achieved and what we already have in the present moment.

3. Releasing negative self-talk & external voices

• This means considering releasing others’ thoughts and expectations of how success and happiness should look like. And focus on yours, and work towards that. (eg. “To be happy.. you have to have X amount of money/ you have to look a certain way/ you have to be successful first/ you need to get that latest fashion bag)
• Release 🙂

4. Keep believing in what matters to you

• Once you define it, it really comes down to believing in what you define it as. Stay firm (This is so important!) We get pressurised from people around us to change our definition, and we also doubt ourselves and our dreams from time to time. (don’t, don’t, don’t)
• Find ways to reinforce your beliefs. It’s important to find ways to reinforce your own belief system time after time, especially in our modern world where truth is scarce, but perspectives are abundant. Be it expressing it more to a trustable friend, and continuing to align your actions to what you want internally. The happiness you feel each time when you perform something that aligns to what you define it to be, will also help remind you to continue believing in your path. To a large extent, we can’t control what we feel and hence our emotions don’t lie. Nothing beats the positive feelings that re-surface each time we perform what is connected to “the self.” That is the greatest reinforcement at the end of the day- our own feelings of joy.

And right now, if you are reading this and find yourself struggling to be happy, I just want to tell you that no matter who you are and what are your circumstances right now, you deserve to be happy. Maybe you can’t now because it’s a challenging period, but remember that you always have the right to be. Always..

I encourage you to define your own happiness based on what truly matters to you as the first step towards unlocking your happiness.

Written By:
Jeannette Qhek
BSc in Psychology & Human Resources (Singapore Management University)
Voice of Chill By Nette